Yesterday was uneventful (I slept pretty much all day so I guess that could be something I was happy for) and because it was uneventful, I'm going to say that today is my Day 5 of happies.

So I got into work this morning and was immediately in a bad mood. The shop was a wreck. The garbage hadn't been taken out, dishes were left in the sink unwashed, and the floor was covered in debris. On the computer was a note saying that a customer was going to come in at some point and bring us things he wanted us to design with. I quickly went and tried to do a quick clean on the shop, fuming the whole time simply because I felt like my own boss felt she was too good to pick things up. You see, when we close for the night, we've always vacuumed and tried to get the place looking neat for the morning crew. Not only is it common courtesy but it also is good for business. You don't want your early morning customers coming in to the shop being a wreck. It just looks bad. Well, for the past month, I have got Friday's off so I could work the weekend shifts. I have come in for the past month on Saturday morning to the shop being a disaster. They don't even try. The counters are cluttered with flowers that haven't been put away (flowers that half the time die over night) and the place stinks of rot because the garbage hasn't been taken out. It irritates me because I always make sure this place is spotless before I leave at night. I don't see why they can't extend the same courtesy.

(I promise, there is happy at the end of this tale)

So, just as I finish cleaning, I find myself still upset, fuming and trying to figure out a way to nicely tell my boss that she needs to at least attempt at night to look like she cares. Especially when she has the help of two of her children here. Just as I was trying to calm down, the door opened behind me and I turn around to a customer. He smiles at me and has a bag in his hand so I figure this is the guy that we're putting some things together for. When he comes up to the counter he looks at me and say's "I'm disappointed that you are not a fairy." It is amazing how quickly I started smiling.

Now, I have never met this man in person before but I have talked to him over the phone for years. His name is Zack and he has been one of our customers since this shop opened over a decade ago. He lives in California and his wife lives here so every week, he sends her some sort of arrangement. Flowers, fruit baskets, chocolate boxes without chocolate in it because she's on a diet... :) None of us have ever met him, not even Bridgette who has been here for years. But, I recognized his voice. It was an instant recognition and I didn't realize how nice it was to finally put a face to the name and voice. Anyway, his wife did come in over Halloween, in which I was dressed up as a fairy. She told him all about it and so he continued to tease me about it for the duration of the time he was here. He stayed for a good twenty minutes, looking around the shop and talking with me. He asked about my life, asked how long I had worked here, what type of hours I enjoyed working, he even asked me how I took my coffee when he noticed I was drinking from a Starbucks cup. He greeted me with a hug and said goodbye with one too, all smiles. And that. That is why I work where I do. I get these customers, and yes, they are few and far between, but they make everything that happens here worth while. They're kind, and they keep coming back, and they actually take an interest in your life, and make you feel like you actually matter to them instead of being a blip on their radar for the day. I like it when people come in and talk as opposed to just handing me over their money without even smiling. It makes me feel like I'm here to help them, not to serve them. Seeing Zack this morning did me a lot of good and while I probably will never see him again (let's face it, it took the man ten years to come here as it was) I can actually say that I got to meet him once and when he calls, it'll make things all the better. So that is what makes me happy today and it is only 10:30 in the morning. :)

~Today I got to go out to Mexican food with my dad where he allowed me to geek out about Joss Whedon the whole meal. So not only did I get good food and get to discuss my passions, but I also go to spend quality time with my father after a stressful day at work. :)

~Started watching the online show "The Guild". It's the kind of funny that you don't know if you're laughing out of humor or nervouse laughter. Love it!!!! Plus, Felicia Day cracks me up sometimes.

~Also "Do you Want to Date My Avatar" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNyg1ftMIU. Enough said.

So, I must admit that this is a hard time for me to have a happyness meme going. There are some things that are going on in my life right now (that I don't wish to discuss) that is a little hard for me to handle. I have faith that eventually things will be okay, and if they're not, that would be my fault, but as for the moment, trying to figure out what to do with the information I have recieved and how to act towards certain people, and how much to smother others, is making life difficult. In the past few days there have been plenty of tears and quite a bit of yelling. Still, I do believe that everyday there is something to be thankful for. I make it a habit to thank God for at least three things in my life every night and this meme is no different. Yes, life sometimes sucks but there is always a silver lining in my mind. You may have to look for it, but it's still there. It only leaves if you allow it to. So, here is my happyness for both yesterday (I forgot to post until late last night) and today.

Yesterday
~ Denny's. No matter what happens, that restraunt always is a good place to go. Diner coffee is horrible, but soothing all at once, and the fact that the waitress there knows Megan and I's order is just amazing. This makes me happy.
~Playing Dragon Age with Megan and drinking Starbucks coffee also makes the day good.

Today
~Megan supported me today in a future idea. It was unprompted and she spoke with such passion that it brought me to tears. She had faith over future ventures of mine and told me that people don't give me enough credit for my strength. This meant more to me than anything anyone has said to me in a long time. So today I am very thankful for that.
~I'm also thankful that in Dragon Age, the euphemism they used for sex was licking a pole. :)
~Also, falling in love with CGI characters... priceless. LOL

Today, I am happy for helping Megan buy Dragon Age: Orgins so I can play it too. :P

A bunch of people on my friends list is doing this eight days of happiness and since I a lot of times think that we all tend to forget about the good things in life during the day, I thought I would join in and start spreading my own happy moments as well. Today seemed like a good day to do it.

8 Days of Happyness:

1. Post about something that made you happy today - even if it's just a small thing.
2. Do this every day, for eight days, without fail.

I know I'm supposed to tag people but I hate to tag so I'm ommiting that one.

~Mom told me that if I ever wanted to go into business myself, she would co-sign a loan for me.
~ I made an arrangement today at work that had balloons mixed in with the flowers
~ I went to Best Buy to go buy the first season of Castle and ended up with the same check out guy that I got a month ago while buying Dollhouse. I was really tired the last time I saw him and ended up giggling uncontrolably while Tahni mock stabbed me in the back. He was amused that night, and told me that we had just made his day. Tonight when I went there, he recognized me, and asked if I had been sleeping better. I said yes and I apologized for the way I acted last time. He said "Don't worry about, your smile and laugh more than make up for it now." Yeah. He got some points. Geek.

I'm really not enjoying this feeling. For the past month, I have not been okay emotionally and while I know I should talk about what the problem is, I just can't. It's a touchy subject matter for me and the fact of the matter is, when a situation or person is really getting to me, I won't talk about it. Not because I'm ignoring it, but because it hurts too much to speak. This current issue though, seems to be tearing at me a little more than others but there is not a reasonable solution to it all. I've even tried to speak my mind about it a few times, testing the waters about the issue so to speak, and both friends and family have shrugged it off. No, I'm not blaming them for shrugging it off. We all do it from time to time, either we don't realize how big of an issue it really is, or are thinking about others things. It's not something I'm blaming anyone for. I'm just stating that if it's that hard to talk about it when they're only half way listening, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to talk about it when I have their attention.

All I know is that I'm not okay. I'm ending my nights with bouncing back and forth from crying to all out anger and I'm waking up in the same way. During the day, I'm fine for the most part, depending on the day, really, but this sickening feeling that I have the rest of the time isn't really going away, no matter how rational I try to act, or how mature/understanding I try to be. So does that mean I should act irrational? Maybe then everyone would be forced to confront it, although I highly doubt that. I went semi irrational the other day and it was never even spoken of.

I wish I could move away for a while. People need to sort things out without me here and my interfearance, my very presence, isn't helping the process what so ever. But there are people I can't leave, one of which needs me here, whether they will admit it or not, and there is also my entire life that needs to be taken into account. I can't let one situation, no matter how huge, take over my life. Why does it feel like it is though? I hate having to bite my tongue to keep from screaming and latley I've noticed that I just go quiter and quiter, which is not healthy in my opinion. There isn't anything I can possible say though. And I know that people will tell me to speak, to talk it out, that I'll feel better after talking, that I'll work out my demons or something like that. And I want to tell them no, that's not how I work, but there is a set of preconcieved notions there that I can't possibly beat so instead I'll have to just deny that and come off looking like a stubborn child that doesn't know what's best. I'm not okay with inacurate viewpoints of me but everyone seems to have them as of late so I guess that's just something I should get used to. The only opinion of myself that I should hold truly dear is my own as it is.

There is one person that I think I might be able to talk to. I'm so far out of contact with them however that I don't think that it would be taken in the right context. I'm afraid of what might arise from the contact as well. A long time ago, when talking about a subject similiar to my problem though, they offered me the best support I had ever recieved and all it took was one sentence. I wish I could have that again. Part of me wishes the Universe would just throw that one in my face. It's been close to a year since there's been any visual contact and it's been longer than that since there's been a conversation that counted.

I'm just really sick of crying though. Or crying without the tears I should say. I'm not doing the actual crying too much. Someone would catch me if I did. Plus, it's not really helpful when I still have a life that is spent inside the public eye for most of the day.

Sorry this is my first update in what seems like forever. I just had to spleed tonight.

It is 5:42 in the morning on September 4th, 2009. I decided a few days ago that I must finish this story before I turn 21, and this morning, with the help of lots of coffee and a weird determination that came from I don't even know where, I finished.

It's kind of surreal to be honest. I started the concept of this story when I was in the 5th grade. To see it actually completed is amazing. I don't think I actually believe it yet. I kind of keep thinking that it's not over. Maybe I'm just exausted after having pulled an all nighter with a pot of coffee by my side, but it does not feel real.

I still have mass editing to do. I know this. But the initial concept is done. I have finished it before I turned 21 and I did it was three days to spare.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I think it's time for me to lounge back in my bed and relax and wait for my mom to get up so I can tell her how awesome I truly am. :)

First off.... I'M GOING TO BE 21 ON MONDAY!!!

Secondly.... I'M GOING TO GO SEE DAVID COOK ON SATURDAY!!!

As for what I've been up to latley? I started a story about a month ago. It's one that I've been wanting to write since I was a little kid, but never really did. Well, last month, I got it into my head that this was the time to do it, and that I would finish it before school started. Then, about a week ago, I decided that I needed to finish it before I turned 21 so I could say I got my first novel written while I was still twenty. Three days ago I realized that I turn 21 very very very soon. LOL. So, it has been a mad dash lately because while I, at the time, had seven days, I also had a wedding to attend, work, and a concert before this. I really only had five days to be able to finish this story. I have knocked so much of it out of the way though, that I think that if I fix a strong pot of coffee tonight, it'll be done with. :) You have no idea how proud of myself I am for this. Now to just hope it's good.

Other than that, there isn't too much to share. I quit my job, got rehired. I may not go to school in the fall due to money issues and therefore be picking up a second job myself and I am avoiding a certain boy like the plague at times simply becuase I don't know what to do around him.

I hope everyone else is well.
Lots of love,
Dana

So, I don't get it. I have met a guy that is willing and able to give me practically everything I want. He's smart, funny, treats me like a princess, completely in love with me already, talks and encourages me about my writing, loves and actually understands music... and yet, when I kiss him, I feel nothing. Why don't I feel anything? He's a perfect guy. He has all the qualities I was looking for in a guy, he wants to give me everything that Jacob didn't, and yet, I feel nothing. From the first kiss on I haven't felt the same about him. I was so excited when we first met, so excited when we talked all night, and so excited when he made a special trip to come and see me and take me out on a date. Then we kissed, and I knew that he wasn't going to be the one. Not right now. Maybe not ever. Why though? Why can't I fall for everything I want?

Jacob and I broke up a little over a month ago.

Today, I started the beginnings of a new relationship.

Hence the title of my post “Well, that didn’t take long”.

( Read more... )

So, I've become obsessed with my writing again. No, I'm not complaining, I'm just letting everyone know that half the time now, my head is in a different world.

When I was in the 5th grade (it might have even been earlier to tell you the truth. The details are slightly fuzzy. I just know it happened in Elementary School) I started a story. I used to tell stories to my friends all the time out on the playground and so for me to write one out long hand didn't seem like a stretch to me. I remember I kept it in a little blue notebook and during lunch hours (and class time when the teacher wasn't looking) we tended to pass this notebook around. I had about four or five people reading this story as I was writing it. If you look back on the original text (yes, I still have the little blue notebook) you can see little scribbles from my friends in the margin.

Anyway, I tried picking this story back up about two years ago but quickly did nothing with it. Not only was I trying to write it at a time when my parents were in the midst of their divorce, but I also was still trying to write it in the confines of a fifth graders mind. (Janine, this is that imaginary friends story that I told you about a while ago).

About a week ago, I decided to pick it back up. I've been dissatisfied with my writing latley and no matte what I tried, I couldn't seem to get back on track. There was something about this story though that kind of called to me. It might be because I at least have a good amount of direction already figured out in this story, or it might be because these characters are some of my favorites I've ever created. Either way, I picked it up and already, I've written a good portion of it. It's changed, as it inevitably will, but I'm having so much fun writing it and immersing myself back into this world.

I have no idea what to call it however. I haven't since I was a kid. So I might be asking some help on that front. But either way, this is a heads up to you guys that yes, I am having a tendency to drift off into lala land lately.

Soooo, I'm just going to post this as a warning in case some weird stuff pops up on my livejournal. Apparently it was hijacked today (why anyone would want to hijack my journal, I do not know) and weird things have been popping up that I've been deleting all day. Just giving everyone a heads up.

I'm really angry right now. I'm not really sure why either. I've felt this anger before but... I don't know. I haven't felt it in a long while. Probably a good nine months or so. For some reason though, little things about people are irritating me. Off hand comments they give make me want to scream, certain thoughts about them make me want to just ignore them completely, and so on. I'm not sure exactly where this is stemming from. I'm thinking part of it has to do with the fact that I have not really slept since back in the beginning of June. I know me though and I know there is something more though. Something is pissing me off and I'm not sure how to quell it. My thoughts are to get into an argument with the people I'm angry at, or at least tell them why I'm angry with them, but... it doesn't feel right. Thinking of doing that just feels wrong on so many levels. Sitting and being quiet isn't so much fun either though. I remember feeling this exact same feeling almost a year ago and I have to say, it hasn't gotten any easier to endure.

What would we have done if you boys had not met?




Congratulations on 52 years boys.

It's been a frantic and dramatic experience to try and get a plane ticket to California at the last minute. Mom and I have fought over it, both of us have spent hours trying to figure out how to do it, and it's now been close to six days of just trying to find a last minute flight for me to head down to California to visit her (she's there on vacation) and my grandparents. This morning... or well, evening I guess, we finally got it all figured out. Now I'm terrified.

I forget each and every time how I seem to be anxiety ridden when I leave for extended periods. First off, I am actually terrified of planes. I hate them. I hate turbulence and each time I board one, all I can think of is "This is the last time I will get to see my family". For some reason, I constantly think that I'll never get to see my mom and dad again and usually that leads me into a full blown panic during the hours leading up to my flight, and usually a lot of trying to hold back tears during my flight. But, logically I know that planes are the safest way to travel, so I can usually get over that fear.

Then, my other one... its kind of juvenile I suppose, and really sort of dumb. But my cat is close to thirteen years old now and she doesn't like it when either mom or I are gone for extended times. So when the two of us are gone at the same time for more than a few days, I tend to get panicy. All I can think is she's going to die while we're away and it'll be because she thinks we're never coming back. I know it's stupid but I love this cat more than any of my other pets. I'm attached to her like none other and so to leave her scares me because I'm afraid that she'll begin to believe that we're not coming back and she won't hold on anymore. I hate crying over it because it makes me feel so young and stupid but... I just can't help it.

God, I hate the hours leading up to flying out of here. They're usually spent in tears. I'll be fine once I land, and most likely I'll be calling Megan every few days to make sure my cat is okay... because I'm cool like that. LOL.

I don't know if I'll have internet connection down there. I think I will, but we'll have to see. Hope all is well for everyone else. Love you all!

He broke up with me. No, I am not okay. No, I do not want to talk. And no, I don't need anyone to get involved.

I'm wondering if the Universe would like to tell me anything else today because so far this is what has happened?

My friend Caitlyn's sister was in a bad accident and we found out today that she has short term memory loss and that the only way she was found, was by a passing by driver. She was on a bikeride in Alaska when something happens. She can't remember what happened either.

Then, I found out that a very good friend of the family, a woman who is practically my aunt, might have colon cancer. She is going to the doctors on Monday.

Finally, to top it all off, Jacob stood me up.

It always comes in three's. I'm just happy for my health at the moment, but I'm wondering what else can go wrong.

I don't want to do this.

Tomorrow Jacob and I are going to have it out. One way or another, things are all going to be laid on the table and I don't want to deal with it. I want to say that things aren't going to end badly. Not at all really. But, I don't know if that's just me being naive and hopeful. All I know is that he texted me, told me that he was going to talk to me tomorrow, and I had to refrain from telling him that I didn't really want to talk. I don't want to do this. I'm afraid of what's going to be said. I don't think he's going to say anything mean, or cruel. I'm just afraid he's not going to have much to say. That's what scares me. I wish I could explain it. I'm also afraid for me. I'm afraid I will either go to soft or too hard on him. I have a tendency of having difficulty with being in the middle ground when it's a situation like this and so I'm afraid of which way I'll lean and how far I'll lean.

Jacob is always going to be in my life. Even if we break up, he's that guy that will always be here, always in the background, always in touch. I'm not going to lose a friend tomorrow. This much I do know.

I don't know. I don't think there will be much sleep tonight. But it'll be fine. The end is in sight. Whether we're together tomorrow night or not, I at least will have closure.

I am officially out of school. Meaning? I'll be working at the shop with no actual work to do. :) So, I decided that this years summer project is going to be to brush back up on my rock and roll history. I bought a few books, and combined with the books I bought last summer (since this was supposed to be what I was doing last summer) I should be able to start studying it again. Granted, I know a lot. I've been reading tidbits about music since high school and have lived in a family where Rock and Roll is really the only kind of music that should be considered music, for years. Most of my stories about rock are second hand though, told to me by Dad or by my brother. So, I need to read. I need to get it from a book, not from their mouths.

Hopefully I actually go through with it this year as opposed to last summer.

The hell hounds took another starring role in my dreams last night. Only this time, we civilians had guns to fight them off... well, some of us did. Other had phazers, and being one of the people that did not have the Star Trek like phazers, can I just say how uncool that is? Dream me ended up having to steal one off of a dead body because, yeah, between phazers and guns, there really is no competition. Especially when you're fighting a hell hound.

Also, Jennifer Aniston (or someone that didn't actually resemble her at all but I kept referring to her as that) and I teamed up to try and hide. We made it to the first floor bathroom area where she knew Lisa Kudrow (yeah... don't ask) lived. But, when we got there, we found David Archette instead. He wasn't too happy to see us. Luckly, Lisa Kudrow showed up in a towle (again, I have no idea) and we hid safely in the bathroom, phazers at hand. Then Shaleah text messaged me and I woke up.

I'm telling you. My fever dreams are strange.