A bunch of people on my friends list is doing this eight days of happiness and since I a lot of times think that we all tend to forget about the good things in life during the day, I thought I would join in and start spreading my own happy moments as well. Today seemed like a good day to do it.

8 Days of Happyness:

1. Post about something that made you happy today - even if it's just a small thing.
2. Do this every day, for eight days, without fail.

I know I'm supposed to tag people but I hate to tag so I'm ommiting that one.

~Mom told me that if I ever wanted to go into business myself, she would co-sign a loan for me.
~ I made an arrangement today at work that had balloons mixed in with the flowers
~ I went to Best Buy to go buy the first season of Castle and ended up with the same check out guy that I got a month ago while buying Dollhouse. I was really tired the last time I saw him and ended up giggling uncontrolably while Tahni mock stabbed me in the back. He was amused that night, and told me that we had just made his day. Tonight when I went there, he recognized me, and asked if I had been sleeping better. I said yes and I apologized for the way I acted last time. He said "Don't worry about, your smile and laugh more than make up for it now." Yeah. He got some points. Geek.

I'm really not enjoying this feeling. For the past month, I have not been okay emotionally and while I know I should talk about what the problem is, I just can't. It's a touchy subject matter for me and the fact of the matter is, when a situation or person is really getting to me, I won't talk about it. Not because I'm ignoring it, but because it hurts too much to speak. This current issue though, seems to be tearing at me a little more than others but there is not a reasonable solution to it all. I've even tried to speak my mind about it a few times, testing the waters about the issue so to speak, and both friends and family have shrugged it off. No, I'm not blaming them for shrugging it off. We all do it from time to time, either we don't realize how big of an issue it really is, or are thinking about others things. It's not something I'm blaming anyone for. I'm just stating that if it's that hard to talk about it when they're only half way listening, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to talk about it when I have their attention.

All I know is that I'm not okay. I'm ending my nights with bouncing back and forth from crying to all out anger and I'm waking up in the same way. During the day, I'm fine for the most part, depending on the day, really, but this sickening feeling that I have the rest of the time isn't really going away, no matter how rational I try to act, or how mature/understanding I try to be. So does that mean I should act irrational? Maybe then everyone would be forced to confront it, although I highly doubt that. I went semi irrational the other day and it was never even spoken of.

I wish I could move away for a while. People need to sort things out without me here and my interfearance, my very presence, isn't helping the process what so ever. But there are people I can't leave, one of which needs me here, whether they will admit it or not, and there is also my entire life that needs to be taken into account. I can't let one situation, no matter how huge, take over my life. Why does it feel like it is though? I hate having to bite my tongue to keep from screaming and latley I've noticed that I just go quiter and quiter, which is not healthy in my opinion. There isn't anything I can possible say though. And I know that people will tell me to speak, to talk it out, that I'll feel better after talking, that I'll work out my demons or something like that. And I want to tell them no, that's not how I work, but there is a set of preconcieved notions there that I can't possibly beat so instead I'll have to just deny that and come off looking like a stubborn child that doesn't know what's best. I'm not okay with inacurate viewpoints of me but everyone seems to have them as of late so I guess that's just something I should get used to. The only opinion of myself that I should hold truly dear is my own as it is.

There is one person that I think I might be able to talk to. I'm so far out of contact with them however that I don't think that it would be taken in the right context. I'm afraid of what might arise from the contact as well. A long time ago, when talking about a subject similiar to my problem though, they offered me the best support I had ever recieved and all it took was one sentence. I wish I could have that again. Part of me wishes the Universe would just throw that one in my face. It's been close to a year since there's been any visual contact and it's been longer than that since there's been a conversation that counted.

I'm just really sick of crying though. Or crying without the tears I should say. I'm not doing the actual crying too much. Someone would catch me if I did. Plus, it's not really helpful when I still have a life that is spent inside the public eye for most of the day.

Sorry this is my first update in what seems like forever. I just had to spleed tonight.

It is 5:42 in the morning on September 4th, 2009. I decided a few days ago that I must finish this story before I turn 21, and this morning, with the help of lots of coffee and a weird determination that came from I don't even know where, I finished.

It's kind of surreal to be honest. I started the concept of this story when I was in the 5th grade. To see it actually completed is amazing. I don't think I actually believe it yet. I kind of keep thinking that it's not over. Maybe I'm just exausted after having pulled an all nighter with a pot of coffee by my side, but it does not feel real.

I still have mass editing to do. I know this. But the initial concept is done. I have finished it before I turned 21 and I did it was three days to spare.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I think it's time for me to lounge back in my bed and relax and wait for my mom to get up so I can tell her how awesome I truly am. :)

First off.... I'M GOING TO BE 21 ON MONDAY!!!

Secondly.... I'M GOING TO GO SEE DAVID COOK ON SATURDAY!!!

As for what I've been up to latley? I started a story about a month ago. It's one that I've been wanting to write since I was a little kid, but never really did. Well, last month, I got it into my head that this was the time to do it, and that I would finish it before school started. Then, about a week ago, I decided that I needed to finish it before I turned 21 so I could say I got my first novel written while I was still twenty. Three days ago I realized that I turn 21 very very very soon. LOL. So, it has been a mad dash lately because while I, at the time, had seven days, I also had a wedding to attend, work, and a concert before this. I really only had five days to be able to finish this story. I have knocked so much of it out of the way though, that I think that if I fix a strong pot of coffee tonight, it'll be done with. :) You have no idea how proud of myself I am for this. Now to just hope it's good.

Other than that, there isn't too much to share. I quit my job, got rehired. I may not go to school in the fall due to money issues and therefore be picking up a second job myself and I am avoiding a certain boy like the plague at times simply becuase I don't know what to do around him.

I hope everyone else is well.
Lots of love,
Dana

So, I don't get it. I have met a guy that is willing and able to give me practically everything I want. He's smart, funny, treats me like a princess, completely in love with me already, talks and encourages me about my writing, loves and actually understands music... and yet, when I kiss him, I feel nothing. Why don't I feel anything? He's a perfect guy. He has all the qualities I was looking for in a guy, he wants to give me everything that Jacob didn't, and yet, I feel nothing. From the first kiss on I haven't felt the same about him. I was so excited when we first met, so excited when we talked all night, and so excited when he made a special trip to come and see me and take me out on a date. Then we kissed, and I knew that he wasn't going to be the one. Not right now. Maybe not ever. Why though? Why can't I fall for everything I want?

Jacob and I broke up a little over a month ago.

Today, I started the beginnings of a new relationship.

Hence the title of my post “Well, that didn’t take long”.

( Read more... )

So, I've become obsessed with my writing again. No, I'm not complaining, I'm just letting everyone know that half the time now, my head is in a different world.

When I was in the 5th grade (it might have even been earlier to tell you the truth. The details are slightly fuzzy. I just know it happened in Elementary School) I started a story. I used to tell stories to my friends all the time out on the playground and so for me to write one out long hand didn't seem like a stretch to me. I remember I kept it in a little blue notebook and during lunch hours (and class time when the teacher wasn't looking) we tended to pass this notebook around. I had about four or five people reading this story as I was writing it. If you look back on the original text (yes, I still have the little blue notebook) you can see little scribbles from my friends in the margin.

Anyway, I tried picking this story back up about two years ago but quickly did nothing with it. Not only was I trying to write it at a time when my parents were in the midst of their divorce, but I also was still trying to write it in the confines of a fifth graders mind. (Janine, this is that imaginary friends story that I told you about a while ago).

About a week ago, I decided to pick it back up. I've been dissatisfied with my writing latley and no matte what I tried, I couldn't seem to get back on track. There was something about this story though that kind of called to me. It might be because I at least have a good amount of direction already figured out in this story, or it might be because these characters are some of my favorites I've ever created. Either way, I picked it up and already, I've written a good portion of it. It's changed, as it inevitably will, but I'm having so much fun writing it and immersing myself back into this world.

I have no idea what to call it however. I haven't since I was a kid. So I might be asking some help on that front. But either way, this is a heads up to you guys that yes, I am having a tendency to drift off into lala land lately.

Soooo, I'm just going to post this as a warning in case some weird stuff pops up on my livejournal. Apparently it was hijacked today (why anyone would want to hijack my journal, I do not know) and weird things have been popping up that I've been deleting all day. Just giving everyone a heads up.

I'm really angry right now. I'm not really sure why either. I've felt this anger before but... I don't know. I haven't felt it in a long while. Probably a good nine months or so. For some reason though, little things about people are irritating me. Off hand comments they give make me want to scream, certain thoughts about them make me want to just ignore them completely, and so on. I'm not sure exactly where this is stemming from. I'm thinking part of it has to do with the fact that I have not really slept since back in the beginning of June. I know me though and I know there is something more though. Something is pissing me off and I'm not sure how to quell it. My thoughts are to get into an argument with the people I'm angry at, or at least tell them why I'm angry with them, but... it doesn't feel right. Thinking of doing that just feels wrong on so many levels. Sitting and being quiet isn't so much fun either though. I remember feeling this exact same feeling almost a year ago and I have to say, it hasn't gotten any easier to endure.

What would we have done if you boys had not met?




Congratulations on 52 years boys.

It's been a frantic and dramatic experience to try and get a plane ticket to California at the last minute. Mom and I have fought over it, both of us have spent hours trying to figure out how to do it, and it's now been close to six days of just trying to find a last minute flight for me to head down to California to visit her (she's there on vacation) and my grandparents. This morning... or well, evening I guess, we finally got it all figured out. Now I'm terrified.

I forget each and every time how I seem to be anxiety ridden when I leave for extended periods. First off, I am actually terrified of planes. I hate them. I hate turbulence and each time I board one, all I can think of is "This is the last time I will get to see my family". For some reason, I constantly think that I'll never get to see my mom and dad again and usually that leads me into a full blown panic during the hours leading up to my flight, and usually a lot of trying to hold back tears during my flight. But, logically I know that planes are the safest way to travel, so I can usually get over that fear.

Then, my other one... its kind of juvenile I suppose, and really sort of dumb. But my cat is close to thirteen years old now and she doesn't like it when either mom or I are gone for extended times. So when the two of us are gone at the same time for more than a few days, I tend to get panicy. All I can think is she's going to die while we're away and it'll be because she thinks we're never coming back. I know it's stupid but I love this cat more than any of my other pets. I'm attached to her like none other and so to leave her scares me because I'm afraid that she'll begin to believe that we're not coming back and she won't hold on anymore. I hate crying over it because it makes me feel so young and stupid but... I just can't help it.

God, I hate the hours leading up to flying out of here. They're usually spent in tears. I'll be fine once I land, and most likely I'll be calling Megan every few days to make sure my cat is okay... because I'm cool like that. LOL.

I don't know if I'll have internet connection down there. I think I will, but we'll have to see. Hope all is well for everyone else. Love you all!

He broke up with me. No, I am not okay. No, I do not want to talk. And no, I don't need anyone to get involved.

I'm wondering if the Universe would like to tell me anything else today because so far this is what has happened?

My friend Caitlyn's sister was in a bad accident and we found out today that she has short term memory loss and that the only way she was found, was by a passing by driver. She was on a bikeride in Alaska when something happens. She can't remember what happened either.

Then, I found out that a very good friend of the family, a woman who is practically my aunt, might have colon cancer. She is going to the doctors on Monday.

Finally, to top it all off, Jacob stood me up.

It always comes in three's. I'm just happy for my health at the moment, but I'm wondering what else can go wrong.

I don't want to do this.

Tomorrow Jacob and I are going to have it out. One way or another, things are all going to be laid on the table and I don't want to deal with it. I want to say that things aren't going to end badly. Not at all really. But, I don't know if that's just me being naive and hopeful. All I know is that he texted me, told me that he was going to talk to me tomorrow, and I had to refrain from telling him that I didn't really want to talk. I don't want to do this. I'm afraid of what's going to be said. I don't think he's going to say anything mean, or cruel. I'm just afraid he's not going to have much to say. That's what scares me. I wish I could explain it. I'm also afraid for me. I'm afraid I will either go to soft or too hard on him. I have a tendency of having difficulty with being in the middle ground when it's a situation like this and so I'm afraid of which way I'll lean and how far I'll lean.

Jacob is always going to be in my life. Even if we break up, he's that guy that will always be here, always in the background, always in touch. I'm not going to lose a friend tomorrow. This much I do know.

I don't know. I don't think there will be much sleep tonight. But it'll be fine. The end is in sight. Whether we're together tomorrow night or not, I at least will have closure.

I am officially out of school. Meaning? I'll be working at the shop with no actual work to do. :) So, I decided that this years summer project is going to be to brush back up on my rock and roll history. I bought a few books, and combined with the books I bought last summer (since this was supposed to be what I was doing last summer) I should be able to start studying it again. Granted, I know a lot. I've been reading tidbits about music since high school and have lived in a family where Rock and Roll is really the only kind of music that should be considered music, for years. Most of my stories about rock are second hand though, told to me by Dad or by my brother. So, I need to read. I need to get it from a book, not from their mouths.

Hopefully I actually go through with it this year as opposed to last summer.

The hell hounds took another starring role in my dreams last night. Only this time, we civilians had guns to fight them off... well, some of us did. Other had phazers, and being one of the people that did not have the Star Trek like phazers, can I just say how uncool that is? Dream me ended up having to steal one off of a dead body because, yeah, between phazers and guns, there really is no competition. Especially when you're fighting a hell hound.

Also, Jennifer Aniston (or someone that didn't actually resemble her at all but I kept referring to her as that) and I teamed up to try and hide. We made it to the first floor bathroom area where she knew Lisa Kudrow (yeah... don't ask) lived. But, when we got there, we found David Archette instead. He wasn't too happy to see us. Luckly, Lisa Kudrow showed up in a towle (again, I have no idea) and we hid safely in the bathroom, phazers at hand. Then Shaleah text messaged me and I woke up.

I'm telling you. My fever dreams are strange.

Being sick sucks. You know why it sucks? Because I can't get out of bed without the room swimming, I can't keep any food down what so ever, and I can barely see half the time because I'm sneezing so bad. Oh! And I have a final on Monday but since today is the first day of this cold, I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to concentrate enough to study for said final. AND... I miss P-hills graduation tomorrow night.

Yay.

I should sleep, but I keep having these weird dreams about Jacob. The first dream I had was that he came over to my house because he knew I was sick (although, in the dream I looked perfectly fine, damn good actually) and he gave me a stuffed animal bear that looked like it was out of one of those claw machines. Only, the bear had the ears of a bunny and this really disturbed me for some reason.

Then, the next one, was me and about twelve other people trapped in a twenty story mall and there were these hell hounds after us. Anyway, we got trapped down on the bottom floor, and I was standing on top of a jewlery display case, watching others die, when my walkie talkie went off (why I have a walkie talkie, I don't know). It was Jacob. He told me he loved me then drove through the upper windows in the mall and came down and ran over the hell hound that was about to kill me with his four whealer. There were blood and guts galore.

Yeah... You see why I don't really want to sleep? It's not actually sleeping when I'm having weird dreams. I wake up feeling less rested than I was before. And where the hell is any of this coming from? I mean, I understand why Jacob would be at the forefront of my dreams, but the hell hounds and the stuffed animals that are a hybred of two types of animals? That's just odd.

So I had posted earlier this morning about how today there was a note of hope in the air. Something about today just seemed so right. And honeslty, it has been a great day. I got my essay finished with time to spare, I felt good today, and I indulged in me and took a bunch of picture of me in my new clothes. LOL. Then, mom got home. When we were trying to figure out what to have for dinner I suggested that we go get some take out from the Hawiian place down the road. So we hoped in the car, me in my new clothes bragging about how cute I looked, and headed down the road. Everything was fine. I was feeling good, I went in and got a few looks from some guys, ordered my food, got my food, and got out.

As we pulled out of the parking lot though, I saw Jacob walking down the street.

My response was "That Bastard!" Why? I don't know. It just was.

Mom turned the car around and we went to see him for a few minutes. It was awkward as all hell between us but the only thing i kept thinking was I have never seen him so defeated. Not even after he lost his job, one of the only things he took pride in, did he look this upset.

I wish I could be there for him and it kills me that I can't help him. But this isnt' about me. I can't force him to accept comfort or support. He'll come to me if it's needed I suppose.

I'm now just really worried about him. I have never seen him look so lost.

I'm not exactly sure why it's a good day as of yet, especially since I've only been up for an hour and my paper is due in about three hours (yeah, I like the feeling of a stressed out time cruchn, I suppose) but I know that today is going to be a good day. There's something hopeful about it today. I'm thinking that this hope might just come from the fact that I've worked so hard this weekend to get my school work done for the week so I can play Sims tomorrow and as of tonight, I will be done. But, maybe something epic will come from it. Maybe I'll win a million dollars!! Yeah.... I think that might be stretching it. But all of you who just laughed at that are going to be really sad when I give you no money when I win the lottery today. :P

The bright side of life at the moment, and yes, I'm not dumb enough to think there isn't any. LOL. The major bright side that I am feeling right now however is this.

Only two essays and two finals to go and I am out for the summer!!!! I will be done by nine a.m on Wedneday the 10th. So much excitement.

AND

SIMS 3 IS COMING OUT TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a geek. I know. :) That's why you all love me.

I would also like to say, that not only are my new bra's amazingly cute, but they are super comfortable too. Just thought I'd share.