What would we have done if you boys had not met?




Congratulations on 52 years boys.

It's been a frantic and dramatic experience to try and get a plane ticket to California at the last minute. Mom and I have fought over it, both of us have spent hours trying to figure out how to do it, and it's now been close to six days of just trying to find a last minute flight for me to head down to California to visit her (she's there on vacation) and my grandparents. This morning... or well, evening I guess, we finally got it all figured out. Now I'm terrified.

I forget each and every time how I seem to be anxiety ridden when I leave for extended periods. First off, I am actually terrified of planes. I hate them. I hate turbulence and each time I board one, all I can think of is "This is the last time I will get to see my family". For some reason, I constantly think that I'll never get to see my mom and dad again and usually that leads me into a full blown panic during the hours leading up to my flight, and usually a lot of trying to hold back tears during my flight. But, logically I know that planes are the safest way to travel, so I can usually get over that fear.

Then, my other one... its kind of juvenile I suppose, and really sort of dumb. But my cat is close to thirteen years old now and she doesn't like it when either mom or I are gone for extended times. So when the two of us are gone at the same time for more than a few days, I tend to get panicy. All I can think is she's going to die while we're away and it'll be because she thinks we're never coming back. I know it's stupid but I love this cat more than any of my other pets. I'm attached to her like none other and so to leave her scares me because I'm afraid that she'll begin to believe that we're not coming back and she won't hold on anymore. I hate crying over it because it makes me feel so young and stupid but... I just can't help it.

God, I hate the hours leading up to flying out of here. They're usually spent in tears. I'll be fine once I land, and most likely I'll be calling Megan every few days to make sure my cat is okay... because I'm cool like that. LOL.

I don't know if I'll have internet connection down there. I think I will, but we'll have to see. Hope all is well for everyone else. Love you all!

He broke up with me. No, I am not okay. No, I do not want to talk. And no, I don't need anyone to get involved.

I'm wondering if the Universe would like to tell me anything else today because so far this is what has happened?

My friend Caitlyn's sister was in a bad accident and we found out today that she has short term memory loss and that the only way she was found, was by a passing by driver. She was on a bikeride in Alaska when something happens. She can't remember what happened either.

Then, I found out that a very good friend of the family, a woman who is practically my aunt, might have colon cancer. She is going to the doctors on Monday.

Finally, to top it all off, Jacob stood me up.

It always comes in three's. I'm just happy for my health at the moment, but I'm wondering what else can go wrong.

I don't want to do this.

Tomorrow Jacob and I are going to have it out. One way or another, things are all going to be laid on the table and I don't want to deal with it. I want to say that things aren't going to end badly. Not at all really. But, I don't know if that's just me being naive and hopeful. All I know is that he texted me, told me that he was going to talk to me tomorrow, and I had to refrain from telling him that I didn't really want to talk. I don't want to do this. I'm afraid of what's going to be said. I don't think he's going to say anything mean, or cruel. I'm just afraid he's not going to have much to say. That's what scares me. I wish I could explain it. I'm also afraid for me. I'm afraid I will either go to soft or too hard on him. I have a tendency of having difficulty with being in the middle ground when it's a situation like this and so I'm afraid of which way I'll lean and how far I'll lean.

Jacob is always going to be in my life. Even if we break up, he's that guy that will always be here, always in the background, always in touch. I'm not going to lose a friend tomorrow. This much I do know.

I don't know. I don't think there will be much sleep tonight. But it'll be fine. The end is in sight. Whether we're together tomorrow night or not, I at least will have closure.

I am officially out of school. Meaning? I'll be working at the shop with no actual work to do. :) So, I decided that this years summer project is going to be to brush back up on my rock and roll history. I bought a few books, and combined with the books I bought last summer (since this was supposed to be what I was doing last summer) I should be able to start studying it again. Granted, I know a lot. I've been reading tidbits about music since high school and have lived in a family where Rock and Roll is really the only kind of music that should be considered music, for years. Most of my stories about rock are second hand though, told to me by Dad or by my brother. So, I need to read. I need to get it from a book, not from their mouths.

Hopefully I actually go through with it this year as opposed to last summer.

The hell hounds took another starring role in my dreams last night. Only this time, we civilians had guns to fight them off... well, some of us did. Other had phazers, and being one of the people that did not have the Star Trek like phazers, can I just say how uncool that is? Dream me ended up having to steal one off of a dead body because, yeah, between phazers and guns, there really is no competition. Especially when you're fighting a hell hound.

Also, Jennifer Aniston (or someone that didn't actually resemble her at all but I kept referring to her as that) and I teamed up to try and hide. We made it to the first floor bathroom area where she knew Lisa Kudrow (yeah... don't ask) lived. But, when we got there, we found David Archette instead. He wasn't too happy to see us. Luckly, Lisa Kudrow showed up in a towle (again, I have no idea) and we hid safely in the bathroom, phazers at hand. Then Shaleah text messaged me and I woke up.

I'm telling you. My fever dreams are strange.

Being sick sucks. You know why it sucks? Because I can't get out of bed without the room swimming, I can't keep any food down what so ever, and I can barely see half the time because I'm sneezing so bad. Oh! And I have a final on Monday but since today is the first day of this cold, I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to concentrate enough to study for said final. AND... I miss P-hills graduation tomorrow night.

Yay.

I should sleep, but I keep having these weird dreams about Jacob. The first dream I had was that he came over to my house because he knew I was sick (although, in the dream I looked perfectly fine, damn good actually) and he gave me a stuffed animal bear that looked like it was out of one of those claw machines. Only, the bear had the ears of a bunny and this really disturbed me for some reason.

Then, the next one, was me and about twelve other people trapped in a twenty story mall and there were these hell hounds after us. Anyway, we got trapped down on the bottom floor, and I was standing on top of a jewlery display case, watching others die, when my walkie talkie went off (why I have a walkie talkie, I don't know). It was Jacob. He told me he loved me then drove through the upper windows in the mall and came down and ran over the hell hound that was about to kill me with his four whealer. There were blood and guts galore.

Yeah... You see why I don't really want to sleep? It's not actually sleeping when I'm having weird dreams. I wake up feeling less rested than I was before. And where the hell is any of this coming from? I mean, I understand why Jacob would be at the forefront of my dreams, but the hell hounds and the stuffed animals that are a hybred of two types of animals? That's just odd.

So I had posted earlier this morning about how today there was a note of hope in the air. Something about today just seemed so right. And honeslty, it has been a great day. I got my essay finished with time to spare, I felt good today, and I indulged in me and took a bunch of picture of me in my new clothes. LOL. Then, mom got home. When we were trying to figure out what to have for dinner I suggested that we go get some take out from the Hawiian place down the road. So we hoped in the car, me in my new clothes bragging about how cute I looked, and headed down the road. Everything was fine. I was feeling good, I went in and got a few looks from some guys, ordered my food, got my food, and got out.

As we pulled out of the parking lot though, I saw Jacob walking down the street.

My response was "That Bastard!" Why? I don't know. It just was.

Mom turned the car around and we went to see him for a few minutes. It was awkward as all hell between us but the only thing i kept thinking was I have never seen him so defeated. Not even after he lost his job, one of the only things he took pride in, did he look this upset.

I wish I could be there for him and it kills me that I can't help him. But this isnt' about me. I can't force him to accept comfort or support. He'll come to me if it's needed I suppose.

I'm now just really worried about him. I have never seen him look so lost.

I'm not exactly sure why it's a good day as of yet, especially since I've only been up for an hour and my paper is due in about three hours (yeah, I like the feeling of a stressed out time cruchn, I suppose) but I know that today is going to be a good day. There's something hopeful about it today. I'm thinking that this hope might just come from the fact that I've worked so hard this weekend to get my school work done for the week so I can play Sims tomorrow and as of tonight, I will be done. But, maybe something epic will come from it. Maybe I'll win a million dollars!! Yeah.... I think that might be stretching it. But all of you who just laughed at that are going to be really sad when I give you no money when I win the lottery today. :P

The bright side of life at the moment, and yes, I'm not dumb enough to think there isn't any. LOL. The major bright side that I am feeling right now however is this.

Only two essays and two finals to go and I am out for the summer!!!! I will be done by nine a.m on Wedneday the 10th. So much excitement.

AND

SIMS 3 IS COMING OUT TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a geek. I know. :) That's why you all love me.

I would also like to say, that not only are my new bra's amazingly cute, but they are super comfortable too. Just thought I'd share.

So today, I had resolve face about the Jacob situation. Yes, it sucks that I can't see him. Yes, I am still extremely pissed at him and am actually getting a little angrier with each passing day, and yes, I have a tendency to call him every name under the book. But, I'm staying silent. Why? Because I remember the last two weeks of high school (which he is going through right now) and I remember how I didn't want to see or doing anything outside of the group of friends that I had at my school. On top of that, everything just seems to be spiraling out of control during this time and you tend to have that "I have no idea what I am going to do next!" though racing through your brain. Jacob is probably feeling all this, coupled with the fact that I don't think he's going to be able to afford college like he wants, and that he also has finals he is taking down at the community college. So, graduation, lack of money for his University that he wants to get into more than anything, and other finals... yeah, the boy is stressed. I'm pissed. But I logically understand what he is going through.

So, today, I said to myself to just give it time. It'll be fine.

Then my friend Caitlyn sent this in the mail.

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I received a mom sponsored shopping trip today. I don't know if she's just felt bad for me latley or if she was just in an extremeley generous mood. Either way, I am not complaining.

I got a new dress, a new pair of shoes, two neclaces, a skirt, two tops, and three new bra's!!! Now the bra's are what I'm excited for the most actually because they are freaking adorable. :) But yes, I have new things to wear and I'm so excited about it. Then, to top it off, she bought me coffee this morning at Starbucks, took me to Saturday Market (a little hippy place), then to Cafe Yumm for lunch and then for dinner, bought me chinese food. I'm thinking she had the motherly urge to spoil her daughter tonight.

I don't know exactly what I want to write or say at the moment.

I'm angry. I know that much. And I'm trying my hardest not to act on my anger simply because the people that hurt me, I still love (let's face it, I wouldn't be angry if I didn't love them) and I do not want to hurt them. I have a tendency when I'm angry to say the worst thing possible. That worst thing usually plays off the insecurities of the person I'm angry at. It's a horrible habbit which I posess and I do not want to release it on these people. Only problem is, I can't even think about them without feeling that anger in the pit of my stomach.

I feel guilty for this anger as well. I shouldn't. I'm justified in why I am angry, but I still feel guilty. Again, that's probably because I love the people I'm angry at and I know that I'm hurting them with this anger, simply because of my silence.

I just wish I knew how to get rid of it without being cruel. I would say the best thing would be to talk it out, but while I'm this angry, I'm just going to be mean, and that's only going to make the situation worse. So, giving myself time to cool off seems the logical move. However, it's been a week and a big part of me is saying that I need to just get over it. Hurt is not easy to get over though. And while I can recognize the actions of one of these people as being done out of love and a want to help, and the other, out of sheer life altering desperation and confusion, I cann't help but feel extremely hurt by both of them. I really only trust three people in my life. Trust them enough to tell them everything, and in the same night, two of those people did what I felt like was a betrayal of that trust... or not so much trust, I suppose. Trust was involved but I think that... it just felt like the disregaurded me all together in favor of lashing out in their own anger. And humans are selfish. Me being angry instead of forgiving is a selfish act as well. I recognize this. It just does not change that I am hurt, just as I'm sure it doesn't change for them that they were hurt.

I hate this. I wish it never happened. And part of me says "Dana, you are blowing all of this out of porportion" but the other part of me is screaming simply because I have a tendency to forgive too easily and then have the same action repeated back to me once more. Both of these situation that I'm talking about were prior problems that I just shrugged off in the past, and now they have come back to haunt me full force.

I just hate that I still care about these people enough to feel guilty. And I hate that I don't wnat to hurt them, so I'm refusing to scream.

I'm assuming I no longer have a boyfriend. I say assuming because we have no actually exchanged the words "we're breaking up", in fact, no words have been exchanged. In this case, the actions are speaking pretty loudly.

I don't know how I feel about this. I really don't know what to think about it either. I've cried some, but only with the prompt of music to get me there. I keep holding myself back when I think of the situation. It's almost as if I don't want the situation alone to be enough to make me cry. Maybe because it's so confusing. I'm not really sure. I'm finding I'm actually not really sure of much. I haven't talked much in the past 48 hours. Mom is becoming worried. She keeps calling and checking up on me, coming into my room for various reasons to see how I am. I can't bring myself to pretend that I'm happy though. I'm not sad either, however. I know I feel something that isn't happy, but it's not sadness. I know what sadness feels like and this really isn't it. And I know. I know. I should be screaming or crying or being an irrational girl. For once in my life, I don't have to view this situation with any sort of maturity. But I'm not at that point yet. I'm still at that point where I just am blank. I feel jolts of emotion here and there, but they never last long.

Everything in me feels that this isn't over. I think back on our relationship and I can't find a reason for it to end. I even want to attribute all this to lack of passion, lack of love and caring, but I can't even say that without doubt creeping in like waves. Everything in me feels like this isn't over, like it's just a time out. But then logic steps in and says that we're done. We have to be. Logic tells me that this is an opening to end it and he's going to take it.

I texted him yesterday. I asked him "are we breaking up?". He never replied.

So I cried last night. I'm on the verge of tears now. I'm trying to figure out some way to take back this feeling of a power that has been lost, but I can't seem to form lots of coherant thoughts latley. It's easier to stare blankly at the computer screen and read something that I don't even take in.

I just keep getting that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one that says I hate him. But I don't want to let go of him either.

I don’t really want to talk about it in great detail at the moment. I’m not sure if all this is being blown out of proportion because emotions were high today with everyone, or if I’m just tired. So, I’m not going to really go on a rant. Just more of a few statements of fact.

First off, I loved coming into work this morning because Bridgette and BJ, the two that have stuck with me through thick and thin, were working with me. It was nice, it was fun, and we were getting so much accomplished that it was amazing. I even went in back and started tackling things that Jenn (my boss) hasn’t been able to get too quite yet because of having to deal with so many other things. We thought we were doing excellent. Then, Jenn showed up, and the mood just shifted completely. In the course of four hours, a whole bunch of things came out, some of which I overheard and then confronted everyone about because I didn’t want to sit back and wonder what exactly was said. So, here it is, in list form.
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Why did it totally slip my mind that I have an exam on Thursday that's 30% of my grade? I haven't started studying and I'm working full time this week. Guess what I'll be doing tonight when I get home from work, and tomorrow night as well. Crap.


Okay, in the grand scheme of things? Not too bad I suppose. I'm used to it. I can do it (yes, yes I am giving myself a pep talk). I just need to keep focused. I'll get home at about seven, I'll go to the gym and then get all showered and fed for the night and be able to start my studying at about eight. I figure if I studying until midnight, I can then take an hour off to relax a little so I can get my body wound down enough to sleep, and then I'll get up the next morning, go to work, and repeat the same thing. It'll all be over by Thursday and then I'll get to celebrate moms birthday with her and go see Jacob on Friday night for a few minutes after his play. It'll be fine. And the silver lining? This week is going to go by so fast for me meaning I'll be that much closer to May ending and June beginning.

I saw Jacob tonight for the first time since Thursday of last week. I went to his high school production of 'Gypsy' (which was amazing!) and after the show, got to be with him for about fifteen minuutes. These fifteen minutes are now going to hold me over until next Saturday where I will probably see him for about fifteen minutes then... and then we don't really know when we'll see each other. My personal opinion? I won't get to see him again until after he graduates in June. Or at least I won't be able to see him for more than fifteen minutes once a week (this is if I'm lucky) until June. June 10th at that.

Only 25 more days and I'll be able to start spending time with my boyfriend again. It'll be nice to actually sit next to him and know I'm not going to have to say goodbye a few minutes later. Novel concept that one.

I feel bad for not updating as much as I have needed to as of late. I know you guys hang on my every word and love hearing every sordid detail of my life so I almost feel as if I’m neglecting you. :P Kidding. Anyway, a lot has happened. To quote Ferris Bueller (yes, I’m totally doing it) “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.” This quote both has something to do with my journal entry and in part, is just there because it popped in my head and sounded like a fun little introduction to me.

To make this easier on all of us, I’m thinking that categories are needed in order to explain what is going on in some sort of clear and logical matter. They are listed in no matter of importance seeing how I don’t want to talk about most of them but I find that talking about it sometimes is the only way I can see things clearly. Plus, this is my life. It will always be my life, and I want it recorded. So, here it goes, get ready for a long post. Eat popcorn if you must.
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Remember, Dana. You are dating an 18 year old boy. And when you have not seen said eighteen year old boy for almost two weeks, two very long and stressful weeks, placing your hand on his hip after he warns you not to even touch him.... yeah. Stop that. Not good. It leads to very bad places very quickly... only problem is, it's not so bad... Damn. I need to learn to understand that no means no.