I feel... dissapointed? Yes, yes I do say that with a question mark. LOL. Things are unclear at the moment and while I'm not asking for complete and total clarity on what to do (because let's face it, I'm a masochist and I wouldn't enjoy complete clarity) I would still like some sort of sign or direction. I've been asking for that, too. I feel selfish for asking though, which I know I need to just get past that, but I still feel selfish. However, the things that I'm asking for... they're little and big all at once? Yes, another question mark. Therein lies the problem I think.
My conclusion, as I'm sitting here at work and looking around the place that I both love and hate, is this; I'm done. My heart and my head are done. Yet, life doesn't seem to be done with these aspects of my life quite yet because the opportunity to actually get away is not presenting itself, nor is the opportunity to make something happen. It's like my heart and head grew faster than the world was ready for me too and so I'm stuck here waiting for it to catch up. It's frusterating and I find myself being antisocial because of it. I don't want to be around a lot of people lately simply because...? Yup, another question mark. *head desk.
I've been really happy with writing though. The story that I wrote and edited kept me in a place that I liked and I felt direction and possibilities. Unfortunatley, at the moment, the story is out of my hands while editing is taking place and new stories aren't speaking to me. However, editing is slow going on the other ends of things because these people have lives. It is not their job to help me launch something in my life and therefore I can't expect them to get things done quickly. I think I need to find someone online with no life or something. Or someone that loves to read and edit every night. Maybe that'll be my new goal. That's what life consists of right now . Different mini goals, side quests if you will, while I'm waiting for the stars to align and help the new goals get set into motion. People unfortunatley don't exist in these little goals . I've found in the past month that they not only tend to complicate matters, but put me in a place that I don't want to be, nor should be. I got away from that once, I don't want to do it again. So, for now, people are kept at a minimum or in small doses. That at least does life some good there.
Yes, this is all a ramble. And if you're still reading at this point, you totally get a cyber cookie. :)
This month has probably been more difficult than ones that I've had to deal with in a while, oddly enough. However, I've handled it very well. Walking helps. God, does walking help. I love how people constantly tell me that talking about it will help me process, will help me share. I've found that walking actually keeps me happier and while others in my life may know what's going on when I'm talking, I find that this is not to my benefit. In fact, it just makes me feel worse. So I think I'll stick to the walking instead of talking, and hey! Healthy activity while I"m at it. Always a plus.
I think I'm at my happiest when I have a project, one that I feel passion for and one that I can obsess over. So that shall be my new sidequest in life. Mini projects always help balance everything else out. It keeps social life to a comfortable level, it gives me focus, and is more theraputic than I can describe. Now to find that project. That's going to be interesting.
I'm tired today. Told you this was going to be a ramble. I didn't sleep well again last night and had to get up early for work this morning. Work today has been confusing. I don't have to say that one with a question mark thankfully. :)
I have this overwhelming sense of missing my dad today however. He called and wanted to see me today but I was at work. I don't know... no, I do know, never mind. I want to be with him right now. Want to spend time with him and give him the simple comfort of family that we both lost and rarely get back. He and I both need that now more than ever. We both lead busy lives though and when our schedules correspond to both of us having a day off, it is rare. He's called a lot lately, wanting to go out, and I haven't been able to because friends are over or I'm working. I'm actually really upset by this but there isn't much I can do about that part of my past. I'm hoping to see him maybe Sunday after I get off work. Maybe that will be a compromise. I can safely say that with my social life, my dad is the only one that I don't have to think twice about seeing. I like that. That's something that actually makes me feel good right now. He drives me absolutley crazy when I see him at times but it's still worth it, evne if I come home at night and get teary eyed when I have to leave him. That's not such a bad thing at times. It just means that I love him.
Okay, no more rambles. Hopefully. I'm bored at work and this is appartnely what I thought was best to do.
I hope everyone has had a good day. You get two cyber cookies if you've gotten this far.