I don't know exactly what I want to write or say at the moment.

I'm angry. I know that much. And I'm trying my hardest not to act on my anger simply because the people that hurt me, I still love (let's face it, I wouldn't be angry if I didn't love them) and I do not want to hurt them. I have a tendency when I'm angry to say the worst thing possible. That worst thing usually plays off the insecurities of the person I'm angry at. It's a horrible habbit which I posess and I do not want to release it on these people. Only problem is, I can't even think about them without feeling that anger in the pit of my stomach.

I feel guilty for this anger as well. I shouldn't. I'm justified in why I am angry, but I still feel guilty. Again, that's probably because I love the people I'm angry at and I know that I'm hurting them with this anger, simply because of my silence.

I just wish I knew how to get rid of it without being cruel. I would say the best thing would be to talk it out, but while I'm this angry, I'm just going to be mean, and that's only going to make the situation worse. So, giving myself time to cool off seems the logical move. However, it's been a week and a big part of me is saying that I need to just get over it. Hurt is not easy to get over though. And while I can recognize the actions of one of these people as being done out of love and a want to help, and the other, out of sheer life altering desperation and confusion, I cann't help but feel extremely hurt by both of them. I really only trust three people in my life. Trust them enough to tell them everything, and in the same night, two of those people did what I felt like was a betrayal of that trust... or not so much trust, I suppose. Trust was involved but I think that... it just felt like the disregaurded me all together in favor of lashing out in their own anger. And humans are selfish. Me being angry instead of forgiving is a selfish act as well. I recognize this. It just does not change that I am hurt, just as I'm sure it doesn't change for them that they were hurt.

I hate this. I wish it never happened. And part of me says "Dana, you are blowing all of this out of porportion" but the other part of me is screaming simply because I have a tendency to forgive too easily and then have the same action repeated back to me once more. Both of these situation that I'm talking about were prior problems that I just shrugged off in the past, and now they have come back to haunt me full force.

I just hate that I still care about these people enough to feel guilty. And I hate that I don't wnat to hurt them, so I'm refusing to scream.