"In the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make."

Everyone Else is doing it so....

2009-11-16T02:31:50Z

A bunch of people on my friends list is doing this eight days of happiness and since I a lot of times think that we all tend to forget about the good things in life during the day, I thought I would join in and start spreading my own happy moments as well. Today seemed like a good day to do it.

8 Days of Happyness:

1. Post about something that made you happy today - even if it's just a small thing.
2. Do this every day, for eight days, without fail.

I know I'm supposed to tag people but I hate to tag so I'm ommiting that one.

~Mom told me that if I ever wanted to go into business myself, she would co-sign a loan for me.
~ I made an arrangement today at work that had balloons mixed in with the flowers
~ I went to Best Buy to go buy the first season of Castle and ended up with the same check out guy that I got a month ago while buying Dollhouse. I was really tired the last time I saw him and ended up giggling uncontrolably while Tahni mock stabbed me in the back. He was amused that night, and told me that we had just made his day. Tonight when I went there, he recognized me, and asked if I had been sleeping better. I said yes and I apologized for the way I acted last time. He said "Don't worry about, your smile and laugh more than make up for it now." Yeah. He got some points. Geek.

forsomeone @ 2009-10-25T22:24:00

2009-10-26T05:36:37Z

I'm really not enjoying this feeling. For the past month, I have not been okay emotionally and while I know I should talk about what the problem is, I just can't. It's a touchy subject matter for me and the fact of the matter is, when a situation or person is really getting to me, I won't talk about it. Not because I'm ignoring it, but because it hurts too much to speak. This current issue though, seems to be tearing at me a little more than others but there is not a reasonable solution to it all. I've even tried to speak my mind about it a few times, testing the waters about the issue so to speak, and both friends and family have shrugged it off. No, I'm not blaming them for shrugging it off. We all do it from time to time, either we don't realize how big of an issue it really is, or are thinking about others things. It's not something I'm blaming anyone for. I'm just stating that if it's that hard to talk about it when they're only half way listening, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to talk about it when I have their attention.

All I know is that I'm not okay. I'm ending my nights with bouncing back and forth from crying to all out anger and I'm waking up in the same way. During the day, I'm fine for the most part, depending on the day, really, but this sickening feeling that I have the rest of the time isn't really going away, no matter how rational I try to act, or how mature/understanding I try to be. So does that mean I should act irrational? Maybe then everyone would be forced to confront it, although I highly doubt that. I went semi irrational the other day and it was never even spoken of.

I wish I could move away for a while. People need to sort things out without me here and my interfearance, my very presence, isn't helping the process what so ever. But there are people I can't leave, one of which needs me here, whether they will admit it or not, and there is also my entire life that needs to be taken into account. I can't let one situation, no matter how huge, take over my life. Why does it feel like it is though? I hate having to bite my tongue to keep from screaming and latley I've noticed that I just go quiter and quiter, which is not healthy in my opinion. There isn't anything I can possible say though. And I know that people will tell me to speak, to talk it out, that I'll feel better after talking, that I'll work out my demons or something like that. And I want to tell them no, that's not how I work, but there is a set of preconcieved notions there that I can't possibly beat so instead I'll have to just deny that and come off looking like a stubborn child that doesn't know what's best. I'm not okay with inacurate viewpoints of me but everyone seems to have them as of late so I guess that's just something I should get used to. The only opinion of myself that I should hold truly dear is my own as it is.

There is one person that I think I might be able to talk to. I'm so far out of contact with them however that I don't think that it would be taken in the right context. I'm afraid of what might arise from the contact as well. A long time ago, when talking about a subject similiar to my problem though, they offered me the best support I had ever recieved and all it took was one sentence. I wish I could have that again. Part of me wishes the Universe would just throw that one in my face. It's been close to a year since there's been any visual contact and it's been longer than that since there's been a conversation that counted.

I'm just really sick of crying though. Or crying without the tears I should say. I'm not doing the actual crying too much. Someone would catch me if I did. Plus, it's not really helpful when I still have a life that is spent inside the public eye for most of the day.

Sorry this is my first update in what seems like forever. I just had to spleed tonight.

I am AWESOME

2009-09-04T12:47:43Z

It is 5:42 in the morning on September 4th, 2009. I decided a few days ago that I must finish this story before I turn 21, and this morning, with the help of lots of coffee and a weird determination that came from I don't even know where, I finished.

It's kind of surreal to be honest. I started the concept of this story when I was in the 5th grade. To see it actually completed is amazing. I don't think I actually believe it yet. I kind of keep thinking that it's not over. Maybe I'm just exausted after having pulled an all nighter with a pot of coffee by my side, but it does not feel real.

I still have mass editing to do. I know this. But the initial concept is done. I have finished it before I turned 21 and I did it was three days to spare.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I think it's time for me to lounge back in my bed and relax and wait for my mom to get up so I can tell her how awesome I truly am. :)

A few updates...

2009-09-03T02:17:41Z

First off.... I'M GOING TO BE 21 ON MONDAY!!!

Secondly.... I'M GOING TO GO SEE DAVID COOK ON SATURDAY!!!

As for what I've been up to latley? I started a story about a month ago. It's one that I've been wanting to write since I was a little kid, but never really did. Well, last month, I got it into my head that this was the time to do it, and that I would finish it before school started. Then, about a week ago, I decided that I needed to finish it before I turned 21 so I could say I got my first novel written while I was still twenty. Three days ago I realized that I turn 21 very very very soon. LOL. So, it has been a mad dash lately because while I, at the time, had seven days, I also had a wedding to attend, work, and a concert before this. I really only had five days to be able to finish this story. I have knocked so much of it out of the way though, that I think that if I fix a strong pot of coffee tonight, it'll be done with. :) You have no idea how proud of myself I am for this. Now to just hope it's good.

Other than that, there isn't too much to share. I quit my job, got rehired. I may not go to school in the fall due to money issues and therefore be picking up a second job myself and I am avoiding a certain boy like the plague at times simply becuase I don't know what to do around him.

I hope everyone else is well.
Lots of love,
Dana

Please help with this confusion

2009-07-31T21:54:22Z

So, I don't get it. I have met a guy that is willing and able to give me practically everything I want. He's smart, funny, treats me like a princess, completely in love with me already, talks and encourages me about my writing, loves and actually understands music... and yet, when I kiss him, I feel nothing. Why don't I feel anything? He's a perfect guy. He has all the qualities I was looking for in a guy, he wants to give me everything that Jacob didn't, and yet, I feel nothing. From the first kiss on I haven't felt the same about him. I was so excited when we first met, so excited when we talked all night, and so excited when he made a special trip to come and see me and take me out on a date. Then we kissed, and I knew that he wasn't going to be the one. Not right now. Maybe not ever. Why though? Why can't I fall for everything I want?

Well, that didn't take long...

2009-07-27T09:54:34Z

Jacob and I broke up a little over a month ago.

Today, I started the beginnings of a new relationship.

Hence the title of my post “Well, that didn’t take long”.

I’m not sure what to say about any of it, to be honest. It all has happened so quickly and in a kind of odd way that I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m okay with that though.

Yesterday, Megan and I went to Tahni’s to have a feast. It was a reconnection of the retarded family unit. LOL. Problem is, we always have a tendency of making too much food when we get together. So, we decided that Trevor (Tahni’s boyfriend) should come over and join in the feast as well. His younger brother was visiting, so of course he tagged along too, and then we got the phone call from Trevor saying that his friend Phil wanted to join as well.

So, Megan, Tahni and I lit candles and waited for the boys. Now, looking back on it, I think my body definitely had an instinct that something was going to happen tonight and it was going to be something amazing. I asked Tahni to read some cards for me and overall I just got this overwhelming feeling of tonight, something was about to take place that I needed to pay attention to. I figured it was going to be a great reconnection between the retarded family unit (which I think it was) but something else came out of this as well.

The first thing I noticed when Phil walked in was the Pac-Man T-shirt. Yes. I noticed the most retarded thing first. :) Then it was very much the eyes and the smile. I thought I was getting ahead of myself however. I felt as if it were too early. Not necessarily to be looking at another guy, because I think I started looking at other guys before Jacob and I even broke up, but it was too early for my mind to go off into Lala relationship land. I have said even a day after Jacob broke up with me that he did not, in no way, ruin me for future relationships. If anything, I’m looking forward to future relationships and what they have to offer. So I knew that with a cute boy thrown into the mix, one that was pretty funny too, I might have a tendency to just jump to my day dream land of a relationship and somehow try and convince myself that he likes me.

Things changed though about halfway through the night. I got up and one point in time, probably to use the bathroom or what not, and when I cam back, he gave me this look. I can’t remember having been looked at like that before. And me, well, I had figured at the beginning of the night that I was just going to be seeing Megan and Tahni so I had thrown on a red dress from my high school days that is worn and torn in a few spots, and placed a red flower in my hair for fun. I looked… not horrible, but I wasn’t dolled up by any standards. It was the end of the night, my make up was starting to smudge, and my face was flushed from laughing. Yet, he still gave me a look and I started to think to myself right then and there “uh oh.”

I don’t know how it happened, but the Beatles then suddenly got mentioned and he made the comment that he loved the Beatles. Yeah, it was the end at that point. My eyes went wide, I’m sure I looked like a crazy person, and he and I just started talking. We started talking about Michael Jackson and the impact he had on music, the Beatles and their impact, Van Halen, Led Zeplin, Hendrix, all of the great’s. At one point in time, everyone else got up from the table and I gave him an out, asking what they were doing, figuring if he didn’t want to talk, he would easily be able to go with his friends, but he brought the conversation right back around to music again. We spent the rest of the evening together, talking.

After he left, later in the evening before bed, there was an epic moment where I did freak out a little bit. I must admit, that I flailed around on the bed, started cracking up laughing, hit Megan’s thighs repeatedly, and then buried myself into her stomach. I later proceeded to hide in my shirt. All of this was a way of saying “Something just happened and I don’t know what to do with those emotions yet!”. I basically ended the night with the thought that I have gained a friend that knows a lot about music. I mean, he was able to show me up. I loved that! Would it be nice to have him interested? Of course. I can’t lie about that. As I said to the girls though, right now, all that I expected was to have a friend on facebook and one that I could talk to quite easily about bands. Tahni said that she expected that when I woke up the next morning, I would have a facebook request for a friend.

Sure enough, I did, and an e-mail to go with it. :)

The next day I had to go help my parents in the morning with moving things out of our storage unit. I had already planned with Tahni that I would call her when I was done and “desperately” need DQ, with the thought that I could at least see Phil. I called Tahni later in the day to see what was going on, and apparently, everyone was already over at the house. I got back to Tahni’s as quickly as I could and sure enough, they were all there, watching a movie. Gus sat on a chair by himself while Megan, Tahni and Trevor sat on the big sofa. Phil was on the loveseat alone. While I decided that this was going to just be a friend of mine, I knew I was pretty much delusional the moment I sat down. There wasn’t a question and if I’m honest with myself, there never really was. There was an instant connection with us that I’m not sure I understand. But we started talking again and we didn’t stop for hours.

Phil is 23 years old and is going to be going into the military soon. In January, he ships out and will be stationed in Chicago. Right now, he lives in Bend (it’s a few hours away from where I live) but he doesn’t really like it there. He told me he feels like there is nothing left for him there anymore. So, he told me how he was thinking of moving down to Eugene/Pleasant Hill (where I live) for the remainder of the months before going to Chicago. By the end of the night, it was no longer a maybe, it was an “I will be moving here” sort of deal. He’s made enough money and saved it that he can easily live off that until he ships out. That right there makes me have even more respect for him. He actually handles his money well if he can live off of it for the next couple of months.

We wound back up at Trevor’s house later that night and the two of us sat away from the rest of the group talking about everything. We spoke of our childhood, of past loves, of our futures, what we wanted in life, what we hoped to become, what our fears were, what made us who we are. Everything. I don’t remember how it happened exactly but I told him that I knew he was a nerd before I even met him and that’s probably why I was okay with being dressed/looking the way I did last night. I figured “it’s just one of Trevor’s friends. Whatever.” He looked me straight in the eye and said “I thought you looked great last night.”

It was a shock to me. He’s not even trying to hide it. It was up front and spoken so clearly that I was shocked. We laid it out on the table not too long afterwards and I told him that I didn’t regret my last relationship by any means. It taught me what I wanted in a relationship and that was simply this; I want someone that treats me special and not like a convenience, I want to be pursued, not the pursuee, and I want to be with someone that is passionate about music. I made no hints around the subject, not coy remarks, I very simply told him that I would like to have the feeling that I’m worth coming after in the long run.

He ended up driving me home that night. In the car he just kind of burst out with the fact that he really hates that he’s met a girl he clicks with so well, and yet, he’s leaving soon. Yet, he still wants to give it a chance.

I honestly can’t describe how good that felt. Not only was I able to have a conversation about music with him, but he understood my passion. I was worried that he would think I was shallow when I said I needed music in a relationship and he just shook his head and said that he understood me completely. On top of that, I got to have an adult conversation. I never had that with Jacob. I never even talked to Jacob seriously for more than thirty minutes. That was one of my big complaints. I never felt like I knew Jacob. I know more of Phillip in two days that I knew about Jacob in five months. And the fact that Phil was making it no secret that he was interested, that he likes me for me, for my passion, for the things that I am essentially made up of… I don’t know how to even describe how I feel. Hopeful? Excited of course. I don’t know. All I know is this is a start of something that I felt like I was missing and I just randomly got it laid in my lap and right now, I am still reeling from that. I’m still stuck on “how did this happen? How did a girl like me get this?”

When he dropped me off, he kissed me on the cheek and hugged me hard and promised me that he would come down next weekend. :) He’s going to give me my first date. When he found out that I had never been on a date before, he told me that he would have taken me out to dinner that night if he wasn’t already leaving so he would have to do it next weekend.

My world just feels filled with music right now and I have all sorts of feelings thrashing around and while I should be stopping and going, “ANALYZE THIS!” I’m not. I am taking it as it comes. From what I understand, I am not in a relationship. I’m dating. I’m getting to know a real great guy, and no one is going to be able to tell me that this is wrong for me.

Obsession

2009-07-25T01:03:37Z

So, I've become obsessed with my writing again. No, I'm not complaining, I'm just letting everyone know that half the time now, my head is in a different world.

When I was in the 5th grade (it might have even been earlier to tell you the truth. The details are slightly fuzzy. I just know it happened in Elementary School) I started a story. I used to tell stories to my friends all the time out on the playground and so for me to write one out long hand didn't seem like a stretch to me. I remember I kept it in a little blue notebook and during lunch hours (and class time when the teacher wasn't looking) we tended to pass this notebook around. I had about four or five people reading this story as I was writing it. If you look back on the original text (yes, I still have the little blue notebook) you can see little scribbles from my friends in the margin.

Anyway, I tried picking this story back up about two years ago but quickly did nothing with it. Not only was I trying to write it at a time when my parents were in the midst of their divorce, but I also was still trying to write it in the confines of a fifth graders mind. (Janine, this is that imaginary friends story that I told you about a while ago).

About a week ago, I decided to pick it back up. I've been dissatisfied with my writing latley and no matte what I tried, I couldn't seem to get back on track. There was something about this story though that kind of called to me. It might be because I at least have a good amount of direction already figured out in this story, or it might be because these characters are some of my favorites I've ever created. Either way, I picked it up and already, I've written a good portion of it. It's changed, as it inevitably will, but I'm having so much fun writing it and immersing myself back into this world.

I have no idea what to call it however. I haven't since I was a kid. So I might be asking some help on that front. But either way, this is a heads up to you guys that yes, I am having a tendency to drift off into lala land lately.

...

2009-07-17T04:14:49Z

Soooo, I'm just going to post this as a warning in case some weird stuff pops up on my livejournal. Apparently it was hijacked today (why anyone would want to hijack my journal, I do not know) and weird things have been popping up that I've been deleting all day. Just giving everyone a heads up.

Hmmm...

2009-07-14T08:01:05Z

I'm really angry right now. I'm not really sure why either. I've felt this anger before but... I don't know. I haven't felt it in a long while. Probably a good nine months or so. For some reason though, little things about people are irritating me. Off hand comments they give make me want to scream, certain thoughts about them make me want to just ignore them completely, and so on. I'm not sure exactly where this is stemming from. I'm thinking part of it has to do with the fact that I have not really slept since back in the beginning of June. I know me though and I know there is something more though. Something is pissing me off and I'm not sure how to quell it. My thoughts are to get into an argument with the people I'm angry at, or at least tell them why I'm angry with them, but... it doesn't feel right. Thinking of doing that just feels wrong on so many levels. Sitting and being quiet isn't so much fun either though. I remember feeling this exact same feeling almost a year ago and I have to say, it hasn't gotten any easier to endure.

John and Paul

2009-07-07T04:24:58Z

What would we have done if you boys had not met?

Congratulations on 52 years boys.

Leaving Home

2009-06-26T01:38:03Z

It's been a frantic and dramatic experience to try and get a plane ticket to California at the last minute. Mom and I have fought over it, both of us have spent hours trying to figure out how to do it, and it's now been close to six days of just trying to find a last minute flight for me to head down to California to visit her (she's there on vacation) and my grandparents. This morning... or well, evening I guess, we finally got it all figured out. Now I'm terrified.

I forget each and every time how I seem to be anxiety ridden when I leave for extended periods. First off, I am actually terrified of planes. I hate them. I hate turbulence and each time I board one, all I can think of is "This is the last time I will get to see my family". For some reason, I constantly think that I'll never get to see my mom and dad again and usually that leads me into a full blown panic during the hours leading up to my flight, and usually a lot of trying to hold back tears during my flight. But, logically I know that planes are the safest way to travel, so I can usually get over that fear.

Then, my other one... its kind of juvenile I suppose, and really sort of dumb. But my cat is close to thirteen years old now and she doesn't like it when either mom or I are gone for extended times. So when the two of us are gone at the same time for more than a few days, I tend to get panicy. All I can think is she's going to die while we're away and it'll be because she thinks we're never coming back. I know it's stupid but I love this cat more than any of my other pets. I'm attached to her like none other and so to leave her scares me because I'm afraid that she'll begin to believe that we're not coming back and she won't hold on anymore. I hate crying over it because it makes me feel so young and stupid but... I just can't help it.

God, I hate the hours leading up to flying out of here. They're usually spent in tears. I'll be fine once I land, and most likely I'll be calling Megan every few days to make sure my cat is okay... because I'm cool like that. LOL.

I don't know if I'll have internet connection down there. I think I will, but we'll have to see. Hope all is well for everyone else. Love you all!

forsomeone @ 2009-06-17T01:04:00

2009-06-17T08:05:02Z

He broke up with me. No, I am not okay. No, I do not want to talk. And no, I don't need anyone to get involved.

Anything Else?

2009-06-17T01:44:58Z

I'm wondering if the Universe would like to tell me anything else today because so far this is what has happened?

My friend Caitlyn's sister was in a bad accident and we found out today that she has short term memory loss and that the only way she was found, was by a passing by driver. She was on a bikeride in Alaska when something happens. She can't remember what happened either.

Then, I found out that a very good friend of the family, a woman who is practically my aunt, might have colon cancer. She is going to the doctors on Monday.

Finally, to top it all off, Jacob stood me up.

It always comes in three's. I'm just happy for my health at the moment, but I'm wondering what else can go wrong.

sigh

2009-06-16T05:23:34Z

I don't want to do this.

Tomorrow Jacob and I are going to have it out. One way or another, things are all going to be laid on the table and I don't want to deal with it. I want to say that things aren't going to end badly. Not at all really. But, I don't know if that's just me being naive and hopeful. All I know is that he texted me, told me that he was going to talk to me tomorrow, and I had to refrain from telling him that I didn't really want to talk. I don't want to do this. I'm afraid of what's going to be said. I don't think he's going to say anything mean, or cruel. I'm just afraid he's not going to have much to say. That's what scares me. I wish I could explain it. I'm also afraid for me. I'm afraid I will either go to soft or too hard on him. I have a tendency of having difficulty with being in the middle ground when it's a situation like this and so I'm afraid of which way I'll lean and how far I'll lean.

Jacob is always going to be in my life. Even if we break up, he's that guy that will always be here, always in the background, always in touch. I'm not going to lose a friend tomorrow. This much I do know.

I don't know. I don't think there will be much sleep tonight. But it'll be fine. The end is in sight. Whether we're together tomorrow night or not, I at least will have closure.

My Summer Project

2009-06-10T21:23:02Z

I am officially out of school. Meaning? I'll be working at the shop with no actual work to do. :) So, I decided that this years summer project is going to be to brush back up on my rock and roll history. I bought a few books, and combined with the books I bought last summer (since this was supposed to be what I was doing last summer) I should be able to start studying it again. Granted, I know a lot. I've been reading tidbits about music since high school and have lived in a family where Rock and Roll is really the only kind of music that should be considered music, for years. Most of my stories about rock are second hand though, told to me by Dad or by my brother. So, I need to read. I need to get it from a book, not from their mouths.

Hopefully I actually go through with it this year as opposed to last summer.

More Dreams

2009-06-07T06:52:04Z

The hell hounds took another starring role in my dreams last night. Only this time, we civilians had guns to fight them off... well, some of us did. Other had phazers, and being one of the people that did not have the Star Trek like phazers, can I just say how uncool that is? Dream me ended up having to steal one off of a dead body because, yeah, between phazers and guns, there really is no competition. Especially when you're fighting a hell hound.

Also, Jennifer Aniston (or someone that didn't actually resemble her at all but I kept referring to her as that) and I teamed up to try and hide. We made it to the first floor bathroom area where she knew Lisa Kudrow (yeah... don't ask) lived. But, when we got there, we found David Archette instead. He wasn't too happy to see us. Luckly, Lisa Kudrow showed up in a towle (again, I have no idea) and we hid safely in the bathroom, phazers at hand. Then Shaleah text messaged me and I woke up.

I'm telling you. My fever dreams are strange.

Fever Dreams

2009-06-05T05:38:28Z

Being sick sucks. You know why it sucks? Because I can't get out of bed without the room swimming, I can't keep any food down what so ever, and I can barely see half the time because I'm sneezing so bad. Oh! And I have a final on Monday but since today is the first day of this cold, I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to concentrate enough to study for said final. AND... I miss P-hills graduation tomorrow night.

Yay.

I should sleep, but I keep having these weird dreams about Jacob. The first dream I had was that he came over to my house because he knew I was sick (although, in the dream I looked perfectly fine, damn good actually) and he gave me a stuffed animal bear that looked like it was out of one of those claw machines. Only, the bear had the ears of a bunny and this really disturbed me for some reason.

Then, the next one, was me and about twelve other people trapped in a twenty story mall and there were these hell hounds after us. Anyway, we got trapped down on the bottom floor, and I was standing on top of a jewlery display case, watching others die, when my walkie talkie went off (why I have a walkie talkie, I don't know). It was Jacob. He told me he loved me then drove through the upper windows in the mall and came down and ran over the hell hound that was about to kill me with his four whealer. There were blood and guts galore.

Yeah... You see why I don't really want to sleep? It's not actually sleeping when I'm having weird dreams. I wake up feeling less rested than I was before. And where the hell is any of this coming from? I mean, I understand why Jacob would be at the forefront of my dreams, but the hell hounds and the stuffed animals that are a hybred of two types of animals? That's just odd.

Wow... Universe was that really something you needed to do?

2009-06-02T02:50:33Z

So I had posted earlier this morning about how today there was a note of hope in the air. Something about today just seemed so right. And honeslty, it has been a great day. I got my essay finished with time to spare, I felt good today, and I indulged in me and took a bunch of picture of me in my new clothes. LOL. Then, mom got home. When we were trying to figure out what to have for dinner I suggested that we go get some take out from the Hawiian place down the road. So we hoped in the car, me in my new clothes bragging about how cute I looked, and headed down the road. Everything was fine. I was feeling good, I went in and got a few looks from some guys, ordered my food, got my food, and got out.

As we pulled out of the parking lot though, I saw Jacob walking down the street.

My response was "That Bastard!" Why? I don't know. It just was.

Mom turned the car around and we went to see him for a few minutes. It was awkward as all hell between us but the only thing i kept thinking was I have never seen him so defeated. Not even after he lost his job, one of the only things he took pride in, did he look this upset.

I wish I could be there for him and it kills me that I can't help him. But this isnt' about me. I can't force him to accept comfort or support. He'll come to me if it's needed I suppose.

I'm now just really worried about him. I have never seen him look so lost.

Today is a Good Day

2009-06-01T19:32:47Z

I'm not exactly sure why it's a good day as of yet, especially since I've only been up for an hour and my paper is due in about three hours (yeah, I like the feeling of a stressed out time cruchn, I suppose) but I know that today is going to be a good day. There's something hopeful about it today. I'm thinking that this hope might just come from the fact that I've worked so hard this weekend to get my school work done for the week so I can play Sims tomorrow and as of tonight, I will be done. But, maybe something epic will come from it. Maybe I'll win a million dollars!! Yeah.... I think that might be stretching it. But all of you who just laughed at that are going to be really sad when I give you no money when I win the lottery today. :P

Bright Side

2009-06-01T18:47:17Z

The bright side of life at the moment, and yes, I'm not dumb enough to think there isn't any. LOL. The major bright side that I am feeling right now however is this.

Only two essays and two finals to go and I am out for the summer!!!! I will be done by nine a.m on Wedneday the 10th. So much excitement.

AND

SIMS 3 IS COMING OUT TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a geek. I know. :) That's why you all love me.

I would also like to say, that not only are my new bra's amazingly cute, but they are super comfortable too. Just thought I'd share.

Just when I thought I had resolve face

2009-06-01T04:19:36Z

So today, I had resolve face about the Jacob situation. Yes, it sucks that I can't see him. Yes, I am still extremely pissed at him and am actually getting a little angrier with each passing day, and yes, I have a tendency to call him every name under the book. But, I'm staying silent. Why? Because I remember the last two weeks of high school (which he is going through right now) and I remember how I didn't want to see or doing anything outside of the group of friends that I had at my school. On top of that, everything just seems to be spiraling out of control during this time and you tend to have that "I have no idea what I am going to do next!" though racing through your brain. Jacob is probably feeling all this, coupled with the fact that I don't think he's going to be able to afford college like he wants, and that he also has finals he is taking down at the community college. So, graduation, lack of money for his University that he wants to get into more than anything, and other finals... yeah, the boy is stressed. I'm pissed. But I logically understand what he is going through.

So, today, I said to myself to just give it time. It'll be fine.

Then my friend Caitlyn sent this in the mail.

I miss him. That's the first thing that popped into my mind before my stomach dropped when I viewed this picture. I really miss him. No matter how pissed off I am at him, and believe me, I have every right in the book to be, I still miss him more than I thought I would.

And no, before you ask, I don't remember why I am giving him the "I am cute" face and he is obviously humoring me with the expression he has as well. Yes, yes this is typical us actually. LOL.

New Clothes!!!

2009-05-31T02:22:31Z

I received a mom sponsored shopping trip today. I don't know if she's just felt bad for me latley or if she was just in an extremeley generous mood. Either way, I am not complaining.

I got a new dress, a new pair of shoes, two neclaces, a skirt, two tops, and three new bra's!!! Now the bra's are what I'm excited for the most actually because they are freaking adorable. :) But yes, I have new things to wear and I'm so excited about it. Then, to top it off, she bought me coffee this morning at Starbucks, took me to Saturday Market (a little hippy place), then to Cafe Yumm for lunch and then for dinner, bought me chinese food. I'm thinking she had the motherly urge to spoil her daughter tonight.

forsomeone @ 2009-05-29T13:53:00

2009-05-29T21:03:20Z

I don't know exactly what I want to write or say at the moment.

I'm angry. I know that much. And I'm trying my hardest not to act on my anger simply because the people that hurt me, I still love (let's face it, I wouldn't be angry if I didn't love them) and I do not want to hurt them. I have a tendency when I'm angry to say the worst thing possible. That worst thing usually plays off the insecurities of the person I'm angry at. It's a horrible habbit which I posess and I do not want to release it on these people. Only problem is, I can't even think about them without feeling that anger in the pit of my stomach.

I feel guilty for this anger as well. I shouldn't. I'm justified in why I am angry, but I still feel guilty. Again, that's probably because I love the people I'm angry at and I know that I'm hurting them with this anger, simply because of my silence.

I just wish I knew how to get rid of it without being cruel. I would say the best thing would be to talk it out, but while I'm this angry, I'm just going to be mean, and that's only going to make the situation worse. So, giving myself time to cool off seems the logical move. However, it's been a week and a big part of me is saying that I need to just get over it. Hurt is not easy to get over though. And while I can recognize the actions of one of these people as being done out of love and a want to help, and the other, out of sheer life altering desperation and confusion, I cann't help but feel extremely hurt by both of them. I really only trust three people in my life. Trust them enough to tell them everything, and in the same night, two of those people did what I felt like was a betrayal of that trust... or not so much trust, I suppose. Trust was involved but I think that... it just felt like the disregaurded me all together in favor of lashing out in their own anger. And humans are selfish. Me being angry instead of forgiving is a selfish act as well. I recognize this. It just does not change that I am hurt, just as I'm sure it doesn't change for them that they were hurt.

I hate this. I wish it never happened. And part of me says "Dana, you are blowing all of this out of porportion" but the other part of me is screaming simply because I have a tendency to forgive too easily and then have the same action repeated back to me once more. Both of these situation that I'm talking about were prior problems that I just shrugged off in the past, and now they have come back to haunt me full force.

I just hate that I still care about these people enough to feel guilty. And I hate that I don't wnat to hurt them, so I'm refusing to scream.

forsomeone @ 2009-05-26T15:15:00

2009-05-26T22:25:33Z

I'm assuming I no longer have a boyfriend. I say assuming because we have no actually exchanged the words "we're breaking up", in fact, no words have been exchanged. In this case, the actions are speaking pretty loudly.

I don't know how I feel about this. I really don't know what to think about it either. I've cried some, but only with the prompt of music to get me there. I keep holding myself back when I think of the situation. It's almost as if I don't want the situation alone to be enough to make me cry. Maybe because it's so confusing. I'm not really sure. I'm finding I'm actually not really sure of much. I haven't talked much in the past 48 hours. Mom is becoming worried. She keeps calling and checking up on me, coming into my room for various reasons to see how I am. I can't bring myself to pretend that I'm happy though. I'm not sad either, however. I know I feel something that isn't happy, but it's not sadness. I know what sadness feels like and this really isn't it. And I know. I know. I should be screaming or crying or being an irrational girl. For once in my life, I don't have to view this situation with any sort of maturity. But I'm not at that point yet. I'm still at that point where I just am blank. I feel jolts of emotion here and there, but they never last long.

Everything in me feels that this isn't over. I think back on our relationship and I can't find a reason for it to end. I even want to attribute all this to lack of passion, lack of love and caring, but I can't even say that without doubt creeping in like waves. Everything in me feels like this isn't over, like it's just a time out. But then logic steps in and says that we're done. We have to be. Logic tells me that this is an opening to end it and he's going to take it.

I texted him yesterday. I asked him "are we breaking up?". He never replied.

So I cried last night. I'm on the verge of tears now. I'm trying to figure out some way to take back this feeling of a power that has been lost, but I can't seem to form lots of coherant thoughts latley. It's easier to stare blankly at the computer screen and read something that I don't even take in.

I just keep getting that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one that says I hate him. But I don't want to let go of him either.

Stay Positive

2009-05-20T04:24:23Z

I don’t really want to talk about it in great detail at the moment. I’m not sure if all this is being blown out of proportion because emotions were high today with everyone, or if I’m just tired. So, I’m not going to really go on a rant. Just more of a few statements of fact.

First off, I loved coming into work this morning because Bridgette and BJ, the two that have stuck with me through thick and thin, were working with me. It was nice, it was fun, and we were getting so much accomplished that it was amazing. I even went in back and started tackling things that Jenn (my boss) hasn’t been able to get too quite yet because of having to deal with so many other things. We thought we were doing excellent. Then, Jenn showed up, and the mood just shifted completely. In the course of four hours, a whole bunch of things came out, some of which I overheard and then confronted everyone about because I didn’t want to sit back and wonder what exactly was said. So, here it is, in list form.

- Jenn has continually told Bridgette she doesn’t think I’m an asset ot the shop and isn’t sure how she can justify keeping me on.

- Customers apparently walk out because of both Bridgette and I insult them with our sarcasm.

- For the past three months, Jenn has thought that I have been stealing from the till but hasn’t been able to pin it on me yet because she has no concrete proof.

- I don’t work while I’m there. I sit back and talk to Bridgette

Now, here is me countering everything that I’ve heard.

- to say I’m not an asset not only wounds me both personally and professionally, but it also makes me wonder what the hell else she wants me to do. I do everything she asks and more and yet I’m not an asset? I do things she can’t and yet I’m an not an asset? It’s almost like she doesn’t believe I can do the things I can in that shop, even though she’s seen me do them time and time again.

- I’m not sure where she is getting this “the customers walk out on us” thing, mainly because she’s always in her office, so how would she know? And I will admit, Bridgette and I are sarcastic, but usually not in front of the customers, and if we are, it’s in front of one of our regulars and they tend to join in. We don’t act like this in front of the customers we don’t’ even know, but lets face it, most of them we do, and most of them come back for the banter. It makes me wonder if at one point in time we offended Jenn with a sarcastic comment and that’s where this is coming from. And, my question to that is, do you really think it’s us that’s insulting them? You sure it’s not your seventeen year old son and his teenage friends sitting back there and making sex jokes that insult them? Because I’m sorry, that would be more offensive in a place of business than a little sarcasm. Also, I have NEVER seen a customer walk out unhappy unless we literally cannot do something for them, which is few and far between since Jenn’s taken over. In fact, the last time I’ve even seen a customer walk out without a smile was months ago.

- I have no been stealing from the till. And if I was, I wouldn’t be doing it in $20 dollar increments each and every time. I’m smarter than that. It’s her son Athen that’s doing it. She caught him red handed over a week ago. I think she’s come to the realization now that it is not me, but, as of today, she has me handling about forty percent of the money side of the business now which makes me nervous. I said that I would not do any of the recording or the paper work unless I had someone with me because I did not want to get accused for something. I wanted a witness. I want to look out for both my name and my job. This got her irritated.

- I don’t know how I can possibly sit and talk to Bridgette when Bridgette and I don’t even share the same shift except on holidays. And I’m sorry, I have witnesses that know that we do not sit and talk when it’s holiday season unless we are designing at the same time. It’s not like we’re sitting back and doing nothing. If we’re talking, we always have some sort of job related activity that we have to be doing. And on Mothers Day or Prom Days or Valentine’s Day, there was no way we could talk because there was too much going on for that. Plus, yet again, she was in the office, so how would she know?

Now, to top all that off, apparently Jenn’s brother who is in his mid thirties, has been going around, telling people I’m a lesbian and making sexual comments about me. I don’t even know what to say or do about that. I know guys joke like that. I’m not dumb. But, it’s not okay. Not in this incidence. He doesn’t even know me.

Then, Marcy, the woman I usually works with, talks with Jenn almost daily and reiterates conversations that I have had back to her. Thank God I have not said anything damaging other than I didn’t want to be a baby sitter in this shop anymore. But it still disturbs me that this is happening. I almost wonder if Jenn put her up to this task. I don’t know if Marcy is doing this on her free will. I feel like every move I make, every thing I say, is going to have to be second guessed now on my part because I don’t know if one wrong step is going to push everything over the edge.

Given the fact that all this is going on, and that I am being talked to like I’m a Kindergartner and that when I bring up a complaint, I feel like I should feel guilty for even thinking it, I can safely say that my working environment just makes me…. Disappointed? Sad, maybe even a little sick? I don’t know.