I’m sitting in the middle of a living room that is not familiar to me, my tv that has now become the families is blaring Ghost Hunters in the background, and the makeshift mattress that I have made to sleep on is right behind me since the cable wire to my internet doesn’t reach all the way to it. I guess I could pull it over to me but honestly I’m exhausted and don’t really want to move.

I’ve been living in my new “home” now since Saturday. During the weekend, it wasn’t so bad. I had Tahni with me and we began to paint my room and then we watched the last season of Queer As Folk. To say that I bawled during those episodes is probably an understatement. But, if you think about it, the night I started this whole series was the night that mom and dad told me they were divorcing. Then, when I ended it, it turned out to be the turning point in my life that I moved out. Poetic irony I guess.

It is lonely here though. I can’t ever remember being this lonely in my whole life. Mom is still living back at the house and her and dad keep telling me that I can come home, but I just can’t do it. I can’t face it. So instead I’m living in an apartment without even my things. All of my books and knickknacks, the things that are what I consider to be home, are all packed up in boxes, while my bed and furniture remain at the house. So instead I’m sleeping on an air mattress in the living room, one that deflates completely in two hours. Needless to say, my body is a mass of aches and bruises. I haven’t been sleeping well because of it too. I’m uncomfortable, and then in the middle of the night I wake up and don’t know where I am and it scares me. I ended up skipping classes today because I was so exhausted. I slept for thirteen hours straight.

Dad calls me every night, and at times it makes me feel good, but sure enough, every time I get off the phone with him, I cry. He’s lonely also I think and just the fact that I don’t get to see him every day is hurting in ways that I didn’t think was possible. And while I can’t make it through a day without breaking down and crying, I know that me crying is probably a good thing. I just want to feel like I’m living in a home again though. I want something in my life to make me smile and make me happy. Right now though all I seem to have going for me is work. I love that place and never want to leave when I go there on Saturdays.

It’s just hard. I’m sure anyone that’s ever gone through a divorce knows this. I just hate sitting here in this apartment knowing that I can never return home. And I know that everyone says that home is where the heart is but I’m sorry, my heart is not here. It won’t be for a long while I suspect. It’s times like this that I really wish that I had a boyfriend in life. Everything is so new right now, I have school, I have a new place, and I have to make time for my father now. I just wish I had someone in my life who I loved and who loved me back, and someone that I could lean on. Because right now, I feel so cut off from the rest of the world. I feel like everything that is happening isn’t touching me and no matter what I do, nothing seems to make me feel better except for that old familiarity of sitting on the sofa with my friends and watching TV. Maybe that’s why I was okay this weekend when Tahni and I were watching Queer As Folk (even though those last few episodes played with my emotions more then I’ll admit in the future. LOL). In fact, maybe I’ll turn that on right now, relive the good days of Brian and Justin’s relationship. The show at least allows me for a while to slip away from it all.

I know that I’m meant to be here. I understand that. And oddly enough, it was me listening to the Beatles that made me realize that. I was washing the dishes yesterday, listening to my favorite John songs since it was his birthday, when All You Need Is Love came on. The line “There isn’t nowhere you can be that isn’t where your meant to be” made me stop what I was doing and just stand there for a minute. I’m meant to be here. I may not like it at the moment, but it’s for the better. Yes, things suck right now. I can’t morph into the Pollyanna philosophy and say that everything is good, but I can recognize the fact that maybe if I had stayed put where I am, worse things could have happened. Every major event in life happens for a reason and I have to believe that this whole ordeal was to prevent something so much worse. That’s what I’m going to cling on to for the moment.

So, since graduation is soon, I'm starting to get some money for it from relatives. Here I am, figuring I'd get twenty dollars here, twenty dollars there for people that I really don't know but are doing this because they liked to pinch my cheeks and call me cute when I was little. My Grandma and Grandpa will be the only ones to give me any real money since they're loaded and do this for every grandchild. Today though, when I got home, I found a card sitting on my kitchen talbe adressed to me, from an Uncle who I've seen maybe a total of five times in my life. Here I am thinking, as I open the card, how nice of him to think of me like that. So I open the card and dutifully read a nice little bible passage he sent me before looking at the check. When I do, my eyes nearly pop out of my head.

He sent me seven hundred dollars!!!!

Seven hundred! where does the man get that much money to give to people????? I mean, it took me four months at my pizza diner to save up that much money. This is insane! On the other hand though, this gives me enough to put down a down payment for my apartment, or for me to buy a little run around car. *SQUEE* I was so worried about my finacial situation, thinking I'd only make about three hundred dollars during graduation, but now... *sigh* That man is a gift from God at the moment. I needed this money for a few things before September hit and now I have it. I swear to myself not to touch it. From him and from my savings alone, I now have 1,500 dollars. SCORE!!!!

Life is looking up. I guess good things do come to those who wait. :)