I was in the kitchen heating up some tea for myself when it hit me. This divorce has offered me a new found sense of freedom. I mean, I have a fucking bedroom door for crying out loud!!!! :) At my old home, I had what I used to call the loft area. It was wide open with no doorway at all, just stairs that went downwards and lead into the living room. When we first moved there, I thought to myself that this was perfect and opted for the loft that was right next to my parents bedroom (they at least had a door. Thank God) instead of the small little room downstairs that would eventually become our office. I thought that the loft would be perfect, sort of artsy. Artsy though soon went out the window as I discovered that I could not even paint my bedroom walls, but that I also had little to no privacy and was victim to hearing people tramps up and down the stairs when ever they felt like it, passing my room and getting to see whatever it was I was doing. I couldn’t even go up there to live in peace. But I took it because I wanted the space… that and I have a lot of crap. :) After four years of it, I didn’t even bat an eye. But now… oh, now I have a door and it’s one that I can shut and lock if I feel like it. That, and I have taken the artistic side of me and embraced it fully. My room is now painted to my liking. My back wall is a deep purple, one of my side walls is olive green with blue, orange and light blues squares scattered across it, and my last wall is a blue with a huge red peace sign right in the middle. :) It’s is amazing! LOL. I feel like me in here. It is my taste and no one can say anything about it because if they don’t want to look at it, they can shut the door. To make it better, I have my fourth wall just a complete closet area. Now, the doors are an eyesore, yes, but I have a plan. In a few weeks when I get paid, I plan to go out and buy ty dye fabric in order to pin them to the panels of my sliding doors. It will be fantastical and you all know it. LOL.

I am still loneley, but I’ve come to realize that maybe that’s okay. I’m going to school to further my education and I’m doing that. I have people I talk to there also, so it’s not like I’m completely alone. Besides, I always know there are friends I can fall back on when I need them. The city though is a great comfort to tell you the truth. I do miss the country side but today when I got home from school I just went walking. I didn’t end up going anywhere special, but to just walk and see the different sights instead of cows cows and more cows was something amazing all on its own. I even got caught in a down pour and came home soaked to the bone but smiling bigger then I had in a long while. I believe that the rain simply washes away all of your bad karma so it was therapeutic for me.

The only downside of all of this is that I miss my dad. I hate to think of him in that big house all by himself. It’s hurts every time I do think of it. I also hate playign the divorced child and having to call up dad when I want to see him. Luckily though, this is keeping dad and I from fighting (he never really did agree with the things I said or did. I think he just didn’t understand). So, if we’re not fighting, then maybeour relationship will be strenghtend? I don’t know. Only time will tell. I worry for my mom too. I worry about how lonely she is and I’m starting to wonder if she felt like this all throughout the last years of her marriage. But those thoughts are a little to scary for me right now while all of this is still fresh and raw.

Things though seem to be getting better. No, they are not perfect, but who has a perfect life anyway? It’s our harships that build character. So, as the person that I am, I am going to take this in and use it in whatever shape of art it calls to be. Whether that be a painting, or a story, or a theatrical part, I don’t know yet. But, I think we feel these things for a reason. If we walk through life numb, I think we’re missing out on the beauty of everything else around us.