I hate feeling weak and defensless. Jacob is falling apart and I don't know how to help. On top of that, I saw someone from my past tonight. Someone that I have every right to hate and to hit. But I didn't. I couldn't. All I could do was make small talk and fucking hug the bastard hello and goodbye. I am so shaken by this experience and while I tried to tell Jacob later in the night that it was no big deal, that I was over it, he could see right through me.

My consolation of the night is that I got an awkward conversation that would have to happen eventually with Jacob, out of the way and got to be held by him because of it. I'm pissed at myself though because he's the one that needs comforting and he ended up being the comforter. He was so angry too. He was about ready to get up and go out to Pleasant Hill to find this guy and beat the shit out of him. My boyfriend, the one with the broken collar bone, was going to attack a guy for me. While this makes me feel all protected and the likes, it also scares me because I no longer can see the situation as something deserving that kind of reaction.

Too much happened tonight. Things that I didn't expect to happen for months, quite possibly even a year, happened one week into my relationship. It doesn't seem right.

Finally I have fallen for a gentleman.

Tonight, needless to say, was amazing.

I was at work on Friday, on the phone with yet another customer that needed something delivered into Eugene. While I was writing down her order, I was becoming frantic. I had five orders sitting in front of me, and no one to take them. I was going to have to call Jill when I hung up the phone and basically tell her that she was going to have to pack her boys in the car and take them everywhere for deliveries today.

Then it happened.

While I was on the phone, a guy walked in. I smiled in acknowledgment towards him, thinking that he’d just look around while I was on the phone. Instead, he came up to the cash register and just stood there, his hands clasped before him, waiting patiently for me to finish. While taking down my customers credit card number, I had a vague sense of déjà vu. While looking at the guy, I couldn’t help but think I had seen him somewhere, maybe on campus. I pushed it away though because… well, I was taking down a credit card number and that really should have been holding my attention more than it was.
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So I'm not really sure what it is but I've noticed these past few months that guys are talking to me a lot more. I mean, I've always had people talk to me but in high school it was different becasue we had all known each other since Kindergarten. Here though, at leat for my first two terms, no guys really talked to me at all. But for some reason this term, I have had a lot of guys, ones I don't even know the name of and have never before even held a conversation with, start talking to me. On one hand, its encouraging, then on the other hand, its confusing. LOL. I don't know what's changed in the past five weeks to make them all so talkative all the sudden. Not that I'm complaining since once of them is cute motercycle boy and we all know how I feel about him. :) Seriously, I could go on for a whole entry about him. I found out today that he does the same thing I do and sighs heavily during a test.. a lot. I think we were irritating people around us because we both sit by each other and every five minutes or so, one of us would sigh really loud. We recieved our fare share of glares in that hour and a half period.

Then, when I was walking out of my class, this guy who was in the class with me and had finnished the test at the same time, walked out with me and talked to me. He followed me to Starbucks, and then when I entered Starbucks to go get lunch, he turned around and started walking the other way. Meaning, he had just walked about six blocks out of his way, just to talk to me. LOL. AGain, not complaining because he was cute, but still, its weird.

Point and case. A guy has just sat down beside me here in the business complex, even though there are plenty of open chairs that aren't near me. I'm a little confused as to what is going on. Its not like I'm wearing some sexy outfit. I'm in jeans and a freaking green wife beater for crying out loud. Not to mention that I look like plane jane compared to all the other girls here. I wear makeup, but I only like to wear mascara and eyeshadow. These girls here wear that though on top of eyeliner, blush and lipstick. I really look plane compared to them. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I thought that that would detract guys but maybe it doesn't. Well, its repelled any romantic sense I suppose, but I'm not looking for a romantic relationship at the moment so I'm okay with that.

Okay, rant done. I have one more midterm and then I am through. I'll post more tomorrow on how I think I did.

I have learned that the cafeteria food is really kind of awful and that Cute Motercycle Boy is nervous when it comes to public speaking.

Seriously, having a male speciman as good looking as him in class really calms me. LOL. I'm glad he's in this class too because it's the worst class that I have. He manages to distract me from the evilness of it though and make me laugh. Plus, he's hot. :P

Okay, back to studying...

It was an interesting night for me, full of things that I really did not expect. I went back to my old high school for the Mr. Billies pageant. A few of my friends were involved in it so I promised that I’d go and see them. Since they cheered me on last year, it was only fair that I went and cheered them on this year. But, by going back to this old town that literally scares me when I enter it since it seems to be the source of where things went wrong for me, I was once again faced with people that have hurt me and ones that I really thought I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing. But I did and I actually surprised myself with how mature I was about the situation.
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