Yes, I am becoming a video game whore. So sue me. :P It's weird though. All the video games I'm buying are ones I can remember sitting and watching Chris (my brother) play. I have lots of memories of sitting with him in his room while he played these games and I hundled on his bed. I thought I was pretty special seeing as my brother was seven years older than me and actually wanted to (or at least pretended.) hang out with his little sister.

Anyway, I just bought Alone In The Dark. Since finishing Grim Fandango (BEST GAME EVA!) I've really wanted to play another game and I remember Chris playing it several times and I remember it creeping me out. Granted, I was ten... so I don't think it'll creep me out so much anymore. But it's worth it for the memories at least.

Every single day that we have tried to go up and see my brother has failed. Mom was feeling sick all through the week so we decided not to push it and go up on Tuesday. Then, today, the car broke down so we couldn't head out this morning. We thought that we would then just go tomorrow. Only problem is, the car is estimated not to get fixed now until six o'clock tomorrow evening so we wouldn't be able to head up there until Friday. Chris (my brother) works unfortunately all day Saturday and seeing how I have school on Monday, we'd have to drive down on Sunday. Thus, we really would only be driving up there on Friday, to see him for a few hours. So, we're not going.

I'm trying really hard not to get upset over this, mostly because my mom knew how much this trip meant to me and now that we're not going, I think she feels guilty about it. Which she shouldn't because it's not her fault the car died on us. I just really wanted to see my brother. I haven't seen him since May and with everything that has been going on in my life as of late, I could have used a couple of days away from here in order to allow myself to breath and unwind from life before starting school again. No matter what happens in my life, my brother has always been able to make things better. And right now, in the past few months, I've started college (that's always weird), lost half of my friends, had to go through my parents divorce, move out of the town I grew up in to move into town, made a huge mistake with Travis, had to dealt with these ex friends of mine bitching at me behind my back and struggle with a certain "illness" that I may or may not have. There has been so many life changes and I would have loved to just get to spend time with Chris, even if all we did was sit and play video games. Sometimes, just doing that, is the best therapy for me. And I've kind of felt this whole vacation that this is what has kept me holding on. The thought that I would get to go see my brother and I would be able to see in his eyes how proud of me he is. And I would get to vent to him about mom and dad because he would know exactly what I was talking about because he knows them just as much as I do. This was my last chance to see him until July too. That's what makes it all the more horrible for me.

I don't know. I've gone a year without seeing him before, its just that this year was harder than normal and I could have used with just seeing him for a few hours at the least. I could take a ten hour train to go up and see him but I think that I'll just regret that later and I really don't feel like asking my mom to spend a hundred dollars both ways just so I can spend twenty four hours with him. Our disposable income is pretty much non existent now that the car is getting fixed.

I think what this all adds up to is that I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being poor, I'm sick of dealing with all the fucking bullshit that my friends stick on me, and I'm sick of having my emotions be put through the fucking blender. I have a good day, and an equally bad day follows. It's getting to the point now that I don't even want to have the good days anymore because the pain that follows them inevitably are just not worth it. Like I told Tahni the other day, I must have done something in my past because karma is sure being a bitch at the moment and will not let me fucking stand on my own two feet for more than twenty four hours.

So the solution now? Well, I'm going to call my boss and see if I can just end up working on Saturday instead. That way I'll at leas feel productive. Then, I'm going to allow myself a few minutes more of self pity and reflection before receding into myself and going into my writing. I refuse to come out until the pain stops.

I know I shouldn’t be upset about this and really, I’m angry at myself for even crying, but I know I have a right. I don’t have a lot of family that really cares for me. My dad’s side of the family are total screw ups and my moms side I don’t really know. My only family is my mom, dad and my brother. So, having them at my graduation is kind of important to me. Chris called tonight though and it looks like he can’t come and I can’t help but cry. Everyone else is going to have these huge cheering sections because all my friends have really tight knit families, and all I’m going to have is my mom and dad. My grandparents from California are going to be there but lets face it, we’re not close. I mean, Grandma didn’t even acknowledge the fact that I turned eighteen this year because she was mad at me for voicing my opinion on something. Then, my grandparents that live only an hour away from me, aren’t coming because they don’t want to. Not that it matters, they’ve never really been grandparents to me anyway. I mean, grandparents are people that are supposed to love you and I can’t say that they qualify as that.

I love my parents dearly but… my brother is my everything. I don’t know what I would do without him in my life. I don’t even talk to him that much and he still means more to me than anything in this world. And the fact that he can’t come is ripping me apart. I love him. I just want him to be there and hug me when it’s all said and done and for once in my life I just want to hear him say that he’s proud of me. I have this picture of him and I at his graduation seven years ago where he’s standing behind me and I’m wearing his hat with this big goofy smile on my face and as stupid and as silly as it sounds, I just kind of wanted to recreate that photo. And it’s not his fault that he can’t come. If he could, he would. But he just got this job over at the news station in Seattle and they’re not letting him take the time off. I shouldn’t let myself get upset over this either because I knew that this was a possibility. But last week I just got so excited and I think I got my hopes up that my brother might actually be coming home for me. And now I can’t stop crying and I feel like a fucking kid again.

I just don’t understand why some people get blessed with huge and amazing families and others get stuck with screw-ups? I mean, is this karma or is it just fate? I’m going to try and not let this get to me on graduation but I can’t help but not even look forward to this anymore. I was excited to graduate because of my brother. I’m constantly trying to prove myself to him, show him that I’m not that little kid anymore, and I thought that maybe on graduation day, that would fall into place and he’d be so proud of me. Guess not though, huh?