I feel bad for not updating as much as I have needed to as of late. I know you guys hang on my every word and love hearing every sordid detail of my life so I almost feel as if I’m neglecting you. :P Kidding. Anyway, a lot has happened. To quote Ferris Bueller (yes, I’m totally doing it) “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.” This quote both has something to do with my journal entry and in part, is just there because it popped in my head and sounded like a fun little introduction to me.

To make this easier on all of us, I’m thinking that categories are needed in order to explain what is going on in some sort of clear and logical matter. They are listed in no matter of importance seeing how I don’t want to talk about most of them but I find that talking about it sometimes is the only way I can see things clearly. Plus, this is my life. It will always be my life, and I want it recorded. So, here it goes, get ready for a long post. Eat popcorn if you must.
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Remember, Dana. You are dating an 18 year old boy. And when you have not seen said eighteen year old boy for almost two weeks, two very long and stressful weeks, placing your hand on his hip after he warns you not to even touch him.... yeah. Stop that. Not good. It leads to very bad places very quickly... only problem is, it's not so bad... Damn. I need to learn to understand that no means no.

I feel… anxious. I can’t really pinpoint as to why I feel this way, I just have this feeling in my gut that can only translate to a nervous anxiety. Maybe it’s excited butterfly’s though. I don’t really know. I tend to go straight to the negative lately so I don’t really know if I’m misreading excited butterfly’s for nervous anxiety.

I know that this has to do with Jacob. That’s about all I know though. The last few weeks haven’t been… good, exactly. In fact, there were moments when all that ran through my head was “what the fuck are you doing with him?” Was he mean to me? No. Did he say something to set off a mass amount of neurosis? Not really. It was the lack of what he was saying that did it really.
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As we were falling asleep...

"A Beautiful Mess"

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
Based on your body language,
your shoddy cursive I've been reading
You're style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction
'Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And it's a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like, we are picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]

Sometimes I wish I was already past the first few months of the relationship and I could just be in the state where things are still new and exciting, but they aren't awkward. I hate when they're awkward, when I don't know what to do. I hate the whole entire feeling of uncertainty.

The one thing that I have to say is a downside to a relationship is the feeling of being totally out of my element. I'm not used to all of... this. LOL. The emotional aspect of it, yeah, that's fine. Sharing the emotional aspect of it with a guy that has always been the "cute boy" first and formost instead of my friend or something first... not so fine... well, no, it's fine, it's just... I'm out of my element okay? If this could all be done through writing or through music, I would be completely okay. But noooo. This is real life and I have to deal with real life and the retarded little thoughts that come with it. I mean, seriously? I should not be thinking that we should cut down on kissing because I don't have a lot of experience kissing and so therefore, he logically doesn't enjoy kissing me. I mean, really? No. Fail. And, well, yeah. I'm not really strong enough to go through with that thought at least. And even if I made the decision for this, he would put a stop to that right away. Now that we've kissed, he can't stop. Not that I'm complaining I'm just... AGAIN! Out. Of my. ELEMENT.

*sigh*

I'm a freak. I know. I get it. You don't have to tell me. Just thought I would voice my freakness for future me to look back on and shake her head about. Because, you know. That's always fun.

K. Back to school now.

So, Jacob texted me tonight and asked me to come see him up at Carls Jr. Now, usually when he asks me to come see him at work, it means that he's had a bad day. So, despite the fact that I actually haven't felt well today (period is going to start any time now) I decided I needed to go see him. I mean, afterall, he would do the same for me. In fact, he has.

I walked in from the rain and as usual, we exchanged weird banter and joked around. He pretended to call Ghost Busters (I don't know), I licked whip cream off of my milkshake to tease him, he asked me to lick some off of him... you know. The usual. LOL.
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I'm wondering how a facebook status update turned into a hug orgy, and then a war over who was the better kisser, Jacob or Tahni, to me dating a minotaur, then finally, to Jacob and I being disgustingly sappy. I'm so thrown by this. LOL.

Anyway. The conversation is epic. I'm warning you. There is extreme sap at the end, almost like a really bad fanfiction, but the conversation is still amazingly epic and on Tahni's request, I am posting it here.

You have been warned.

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Any suggestions for something quick and easy I can do for Jacob on Valentines Day? I'm going to bake his favorite cookies the night before but I can't think of anything else. The problem with this situation is that I work at a flower shop, meaning that I don't have a lot of free time. I won't even see him until late Saturday night since I have to be at the shop until we sell out of the flowers. I think I might also go get him some of his Chocolate covered Cherries, but I can't help but think I should do something besides give him food. This would be so much easier if I knew how much he was doing for me. So far I know I'm getting cooked for and I know I'll either get chocolate or flowers. Jacob's Jacob though and I don't know if he'll decide to go over the top or not.

So, any suggestions? I'm desperate.

So Jacob and I's relationship so far is defined by stolen moments. Ten minutes here, twenty minutes there. We are rarely alone, and when we are, it's only for a few minutes at a time when we're walking to the bus stop, or heading to the grocery store so he can bake me something. Now, I'm not complaining. These stolen moments are amazing. He's different when he's alone with me. He touches me differently, he looks at me differently, but at the same time, it's all done with this familiar sensation that I'm starting to get used to. He's never out of contact with me, he's constantly placing his fingers or hands somewhere against me, or pulling me into a hug. And no. He hasn't kissed me. I know he wants to and I think he has it in his head that he needs to make this special. If there is one thing that I've learned about Jacob it is that he does not take failure very well. He wants to make this kiss perfect. Special somehow and that's why I think he's going to wait unitl Valentines Day. Now, if I don't get a kiss on Valentines Day, I'm calling him out on it. LOL. But, for now, I'm content. Yes, I want to kiss him, but I appreciate the way he treats me, the way he acts as if I'm some sort of goddess, or princess, or the way he can't stand to not be near me when we're in the same room since our time together always seems so short. I appreciate and adore those actions more than I know how to express. And I hope, pray actually, that he understands this. I don't know how to tell him how amazed I am at the way he treats me. I always knew there were guys like that out there, I wasn't jaded enough to feel that there wasn't, I just never thought it would happen to me. Especially at the age of twenty.

I just wish he knew how important he is to me. I feel like he has given me so much and I just hope that he knows how thankful I am, and I hope that some day I can repay him.

Why is it that stolen moments seem to be the best ones?

So there was a kiss on the side of my head (I didn't even feel it, I heard it) and then he ran for the bus.

Really, Jacob? Really?

LOL.

On the up side, he already realizes that I'm going to have him wrapped around my finger. He has admited that. And.... HE'S COMING TO FIX ME BREAKFAST ON MONDAY!!!!

Now I just have to call work and beg for Monday off because there is no way I am missing out on Jacob coming over and fixing me breakfast. No one has ever done that for me. I'm not going to let that slide by.

I hate feeling weak and defensless. Jacob is falling apart and I don't know how to help. On top of that, I saw someone from my past tonight. Someone that I have every right to hate and to hit. But I didn't. I couldn't. All I could do was make small talk and fucking hug the bastard hello and goodbye. I am so shaken by this experience and while I tried to tell Jacob later in the night that it was no big deal, that I was over it, he could see right through me.

My consolation of the night is that I got an awkward conversation that would have to happen eventually with Jacob, out of the way and got to be held by him because of it. I'm pissed at myself though because he's the one that needs comforting and he ended up being the comforter. He was so angry too. He was about ready to get up and go out to Pleasant Hill to find this guy and beat the shit out of him. My boyfriend, the one with the broken collar bone, was going to attack a guy for me. While this makes me feel all protected and the likes, it also scares me because I no longer can see the situation as something deserving that kind of reaction.

Too much happened tonight. Things that I didn't expect to happen for months, quite possibly even a year, happened one week into my relationship. It doesn't seem right.

So I poked Jacob in the face last night, which made him turn around and bite me and now apparently, I'm going to turn into a zombie.

Sorry guys.

There is a potential problem with having a boyfriend.

When he goes home, I'm still wired and end up not sleeping.

Damn.

It started with a hair in her burger. Granted, it wasn’t a typical story of girl meets boy, girl and boy like each other, and eventually girl and boy fall in love. In fact, love had yet to even factor into the lives of the drive through clerk and the florist. The senior and the struggling college student.

The return of the burger lead to the beginning of a relationship.

Unnecessary apologizes where spouted from the boys lips as he tried to explain to girl about how they wore hairnets and how he wasn’t sure how it had happened. Of course they would replace the food as well. The girl just smiled and gave boy reassurance, having experience with fast food and not blaming the boy, who to her looked about fifteen years old, for what had occurred.

As the meal was exchanged along with a smile that might have lingered a little too long, the girl drove away unaware of the fact that she would stalk him for the next three months.

However, could the stalking really be called stalking when boy walked her home at night and didn’t seem to mind the attention so much? It would be an issue that would be debated probably for the rest of their lives. Either way, girl decided that milkshakes and hamburgers were suddenly her life source as she went to the fast food joint as much as she could consciously justify. Gushing to her friends the night her and boy learned each others names and boy drove her home so she wouldn’t get attacked by the “creepy people” that apparently inhabited the distance between the school and her house at nine thirty at night. From there on out, girl felt it her duty to take advice from her favorite show and be wherever the boy was. Of course, staying two hours in a cold booth might have been a little obsessive, but in the end, she got an offer to head across the street to the grocery store to buy milk.

The boy was eighteen, the girl was twenty, and somehow, a weird situation that would disgust most, seemed to spark an odd friendship.

Phone numbers were exchanged one night and somehow, girl fell hard. She clung to the little things, logically knowing that boy liked her back, but to scared to make the move. Like most girls with very little boyfriend experience, she fretted over the possibility of rejection. So she stuck to what she was good at and stalked boy without guilt.

Short walk homes soon lead to conversations on sofa’s and Christmas tree’s being dragged out the back door. Girl introduced boy to friends and from there things just took off. Girl was confused about the lack of kissing, and wasn’t satisfied with hugs. Late night tarot readings happened, text messages were exchanged and yet nothing occurred other than a weird situation three nights in a row where boy rested his foot on girls as they moved in for an embrace. Yet, girl was not discouraged. Like she told her friends, her family, and her co-workers. Boy was going to be her boyfriend, boy just didn’t know it yet.

Then, one faithful night, a discussion about paths and decisions were spouted and girl cracked. Telling him he needed to choose. Soon they were in a car, leaning against each other while songs about needing one another played across the radio. With a command to keep driving, and a request to turn up the music, boy turned to girl.

“Do you like Walmart?”

“Yes.”

And just like that, boy and girl began dating.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!

Jacob and I are in the hugging stage now. I hate the hugging stage. The hugging stage sucks! It's like waving a carrot in front of a bunny's nose and then yanking it back at the last second. I vote for no more hugging unless there is more to it. The only good part about the hugging stage is that he initiated it.

School starts tomorrow.

I didn't get nearly as much stuff done this vacation as I wanted too.

The hugging stage is evil.

EDIT: You know what else is evil? The other night he was wearing a cute beanie and he leaned back and came this close to kissing me... but we were in Megan's car and so he didn't. That was another carrot being held in front of of my nose. Hate.

Recap?

Hugging = hate
Carrots = hate
Almost, but not quite kisses = hate
Megan's car when I want kissed = hate
Hugging = hate again
Cute beanie cap = WIN!
Hugging = Okay, so it's not so bad... but hate!

Yes, I'm calling him Jacob at the moment. Why? Because I'm scared of the future relationship with him that may be coming my way and I'm not really sure why. Maybe I'm terrified because he's different than the people I usually like. Or I'm terrified because he would be my first official relationship, or maybe I'm terrified because I'm afraid he'll just turn out to be another Travis. Logically, I know he won't. I know he'll treat me better and definatley respect me more, but I still have an irrational fear.

I might be getting ahead of myself though. I don't know if he even likes me. I have my suspicions but I'm not all together sure. On top of that, if he does like me, I'm not sure if we're even compatable. But then I remember that I'm just making up every excuse in the book because I'm scared. I mean, I'm even trying to tell myself that I can't be with someone who doesn't think animals have souls (which he told me tonight). My response is that that's a pretty stupid thing to negate a relationship over but the thought is still lingering in my head.

I'm not scared of him in this relationship when it really boils down to everything. I'm scared that I'm going to hurt him or that he won't be able to handle my irrational mood swings, or that I won't be fun enough for him since I tend to like staying home and being on my computer over anything else. He likes the same thing apparently but I'm still afraid he'll find me boring.

Yes. This is all normal fears. I know. I understand. I'm not accepting it so much. But I understand.

Why does this whole thing scare me so much? I don't get it. I know I've been hurt by guys in the past and I want to say that that's why I'm so terrified but I know it's not. Mainly because the hurt I experienced was something that was partly my own damn fault and on top of that, I know Jacob would never treat me this way.

I'm really confused by my own feelings actually.

Yeah. I know. Get over it. I have nothing to lose.

I'm still terrified.

This night has been made of awesome. I thought it would be made of fail but it sooo wasn't. Let me start at the beginning.
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