In the past four months I've had two people in my life die. My Uncle Tim died right around Thanksgiving and quite honestly, I just am starting to face that. At first, it really just didn't seem like he was gone. Going to his house and seeing his wife and children grieve is very present in my life, but for some odd reason, it really didn't hit me until about a week ago that he was actually gone. And it hit me hard.

The day after I accepted the fact that an Uncle that I barely knew, but loved and admired dearly had passed from this life, my aunt in Florida died. We got the phone call while riding in the car and both my mom and I broke down on the road. She was practically a grandmother to my mother, and while I had only met her a few times in my life, she was one of those people that left a lasting impression on you after only one meeting. I've always loved her and mom and I have been saying for over a year now that we need to go and visit her. Unfortunately, that will never happen. My only consolation in this situation is the fact that she wasn't living much of a life as it was. She had been in a home for the past few years because of Alzheimer's. We lost her a long time ago. Now that she's gone though, we'll be getting the phonecall any month now that her husband has past as well. The only reason he was hanging on was because of her. Part of me already feels as if I have lost him.

I don't deal with death well. I hate that overwhelming sadness that comes with it and on top of it, there are few people in my actual family that I consider family and in four months, two of them have been taken away. The ripple effect that it sends through my family is hard as well. My mom cries constantly and its hard to console her about it. The same happened with my father when his brother died.

The night Auntie Issabell died I was also afraid that Jacob had been taken from me as well. He was supposed to meet Tahni, Megan and I at the theater, but he never showed up. No one at the theater knew where he was, and no one at work knew where he was either. I was panicing and at that moment in time, all I could think about was that someone else I cared about had been taken from my life. Tahni wanted me to go to his house that night and find him but I refrained. I know Jacob and that would have made the situation worse. If he had been missing in action for a few days, then yes, of course I would have shown up at his house, but logically I already knew what was going on and I was not about to make things worse for him (which later, he thanked me for not doing) by showing up at his door. I at least feel good about the fact that I know Jacob well enough to not to irrational things when I'm feeling out of control. I just hated that feeling of loss. I couldn't lose another family member that quickly. My family (which include some of my friends for the people that don't know) is dwindling daily. There are only a few people left that I consider family at this moment and I'm going to fight for them to stay with me. The others? I'm letting go to be honest. They're not worth it.

Which actually brings me to a random tangeant. LOL. Why do people that are unhappy with their life decide to take their anger out on me? When the fuck did I become a fucking punching bag? If you have an issue with me, tell me. Don't fucking just sit and be bitter just because I'm happy or I've succeeded with some aspect in my life.

End rant.

I've just been thinking a lot latley. A lot about things that are important to me. Idea's and morals that I once had are being reavaluated and I guess once more, I'm going to know who the true people that love me are because they will be the ones that stand beside me in the very end of it all.

It's going to be an interesting few months, I can easily say that. But I'm happy. When it boils down to it, I'm honestly very happy. I wish I could help others around me be happy as well, because it seems like everyone, and I mean everyone, I know, is sad or depressed. But, I know I can't. A: Because some won't let me and B: because some situations just can't be helped.

I'm just going to pray that things work out. That people are forgiven. That others forgive themselves. And that in the end, my family will grow.