Now, don't get me wrong, I love my job. You have no idea what a stress reliever it has been for me to work at the Flower Market on the weekends. I can just go there at ten, drink my coffee, clean, and then spend the next four hours reading or listening to music while I watch the rest of the shop. When I'm in school, I'm allowed to do some homework while I'm waiting for costumers to come in and it's just a huge stress reliever to be there on Saturday. Now, since I'm off of school for the month of December, I've picked up some more hours to try and get some money for Christmas presents and just to kind of stock some cash away so I won't be stressing when it comes time to buy my books for winter term. It's also not going by as slow as before because with the holidays, business is really starting to pick up. Today I didn't even take a break out of my nine hour shift because we were so busy. The thing is though, this work makes me feel good about myself and I love talking to the people that come in to buy flowers. But, it's starting to get to me. I don't mind the work, I actually enjoy it. But, when I'm having to go out to P-hill to visit my dad after work and then spend the next day with him and then come home only to head back to work, it gets irritating. I feel like my down time isn't my down time anymore and I'm just going to work and to a place that I truly do not like. My dads house makes me uncomfortable.

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Dad is coming over here in less than twenty minutes to come and take me out to a movie and I can't help but dread this little get together despite the fact that I miss him. I just keep hitting this proverbial wall when it comes to the situation. I just want to scream and cry and ask my parents what the fuck they are doing but I know I can't. I'm trying not to break down at the thought of having to talk to dad at dinner and tell him about all the little things that he usually would know but has missed out on these past four weeks. Yes, it has been about four weeks since I've seen my father and he only lives fifteen minutes away. I just... I'm worried that I wont be able to stay strong tonight when he asks how school is going, how life is. What am I supposed to tell him? School is uninspiring, I'm lonley in life, and I'm entering the anger faze towards him and mom? I can't tell my father that. Granted, it may feel damn good at the moment to tell him exactly what I think of him and mom and how they're handeling all this, and tell him how much of a coward I feel he is at times, but I know in my heart that five minutes after I say it, I'll feel guiltier than all hell and in reality, will only make the situation so much worse for myself.

I just want to know, how I'm supposed to get through the night?