It's been a frantic and dramatic experience to try and get a plane ticket to California at the last minute. Mom and I have fought over it, both of us have spent hours trying to figure out how to do it, and it's now been close to six days of just trying to find a last minute flight for me to head down to California to visit her (she's there on vacation) and my grandparents. This morning... or well, evening I guess, we finally got it all figured out. Now I'm terrified.

I forget each and every time how I seem to be anxiety ridden when I leave for extended periods. First off, I am actually terrified of planes. I hate them. I hate turbulence and each time I board one, all I can think of is "This is the last time I will get to see my family". For some reason, I constantly think that I'll never get to see my mom and dad again and usually that leads me into a full blown panic during the hours leading up to my flight, and usually a lot of trying to hold back tears during my flight. But, logically I know that planes are the safest way to travel, so I can usually get over that fear.

Then, my other one... its kind of juvenile I suppose, and really sort of dumb. But my cat is close to thirteen years old now and she doesn't like it when either mom or I are gone for extended times. So when the two of us are gone at the same time for more than a few days, I tend to get panicy. All I can think is she's going to die while we're away and it'll be because she thinks we're never coming back. I know it's stupid but I love this cat more than any of my other pets. I'm attached to her like none other and so to leave her scares me because I'm afraid that she'll begin to believe that we're not coming back and she won't hold on anymore. I hate crying over it because it makes me feel so young and stupid but... I just can't help it.

God, I hate the hours leading up to flying out of here. They're usually spent in tears. I'll be fine once I land, and most likely I'll be calling Megan every few days to make sure my cat is okay... because I'm cool like that. LOL.

I don't know if I'll have internet connection down there. I think I will, but we'll have to see. Hope all is well for everyone else. Love you all!

I'm wondering if the Universe would like to tell me anything else today because so far this is what has happened?

My friend Caitlyn's sister was in a bad accident and we found out today that she has short term memory loss and that the only way she was found, was by a passing by driver. She was on a bikeride in Alaska when something happens. She can't remember what happened either.

Then, I found out that a very good friend of the family, a woman who is practically my aunt, might have colon cancer. She is going to the doctors on Monday.

Finally, to top it all off, Jacob stood me up.

It always comes in three's. I'm just happy for my health at the moment, but I'm wondering what else can go wrong.

I received a mom sponsored shopping trip today. I don't know if she's just felt bad for me latley or if she was just in an extremeley generous mood. Either way, I am not complaining.

I got a new dress, a new pair of shoes, two neclaces, a skirt, two tops, and three new bra's!!! Now the bra's are what I'm excited for the most actually because they are freaking adorable. :) But yes, I have new things to wear and I'm so excited about it. Then, to top it off, she bought me coffee this morning at Starbucks, took me to Saturday Market (a little hippy place), then to Cafe Yumm for lunch and then for dinner, bought me chinese food. I'm thinking she had the motherly urge to spoil her daughter tonight.

In the past four months I've had two people in my life die. My Uncle Tim died right around Thanksgiving and quite honestly, I just am starting to face that. At first, it really just didn't seem like he was gone. Going to his house and seeing his wife and children grieve is very present in my life, but for some odd reason, it really didn't hit me until about a week ago that he was actually gone. And it hit me hard.

The day after I accepted the fact that an Uncle that I barely knew, but loved and admired dearly had passed from this life, my aunt in Florida died. We got the phone call while riding in the car and both my mom and I broke down on the road. She was practically a grandmother to my mother, and while I had only met her a few times in my life, she was one of those people that left a lasting impression on you after only one meeting. I've always loved her and mom and I have been saying for over a year now that we need to go and visit her. Unfortunately, that will never happen. My only consolation in this situation is the fact that she wasn't living much of a life as it was. She had been in a home for the past few years because of Alzheimer's. We lost her a long time ago. Now that she's gone though, we'll be getting the phonecall any month now that her husband has past as well. The only reason he was hanging on was because of her. Part of me already feels as if I have lost him.

I don't deal with death well. I hate that overwhelming sadness that comes with it and on top of it, there are few people in my actual family that I consider family and in four months, two of them have been taken away. The ripple effect that it sends through my family is hard as well. My mom cries constantly and its hard to console her about it. The same happened with my father when his brother died.

The night Auntie Issabell died I was also afraid that Jacob had been taken from me as well. He was supposed to meet Tahni, Megan and I at the theater, but he never showed up. No one at the theater knew where he was, and no one at work knew where he was either. I was panicing and at that moment in time, all I could think about was that someone else I cared about had been taken from my life. Tahni wanted me to go to his house that night and find him but I refrained. I know Jacob and that would have made the situation worse. If he had been missing in action for a few days, then yes, of course I would have shown up at his house, but logically I already knew what was going on and I was not about to make things worse for him (which later, he thanked me for not doing) by showing up at his door. I at least feel good about the fact that I know Jacob well enough to not to irrational things when I'm feeling out of control. I just hated that feeling of loss. I couldn't lose another family member that quickly. My family (which include some of my friends for the people that don't know) is dwindling daily. There are only a few people left that I consider family at this moment and I'm going to fight for them to stay with me. The others? I'm letting go to be honest. They're not worth it.

Which actually brings me to a random tangeant. LOL. Why do people that are unhappy with their life decide to take their anger out on me? When the fuck did I become a fucking punching bag? If you have an issue with me, tell me. Don't fucking just sit and be bitter just because I'm happy or I've succeeded with some aspect in my life.

End rant.

I've just been thinking a lot latley. A lot about things that are important to me. Idea's and morals that I once had are being reavaluated and I guess once more, I'm going to know who the true people that love me are because they will be the ones that stand beside me in the very end of it all.

It's going to be an interesting few months, I can easily say that. But I'm happy. When it boils down to it, I'm honestly very happy. I wish I could help others around me be happy as well, because it seems like everyone, and I mean everyone, I know, is sad or depressed. But, I know I can't. A: Because some won't let me and B: because some situations just can't be helped.

I'm just going to pray that things work out. That people are forgiven. That others forgive themselves. And that in the end, my family will grow.

Since it has been requested that we fill the board with our positive energy today, here is mine.

I'm thankful today because I got a phone number and have made great strides into fixing the things I don't like about my life. Compared to others, my life is good. Yes, I have little things that get me down, may be some more than others, but the fact of the matter is that I'm alive and I'm healthy and I have people who I know will always love me. So, there should be no reason to view my life and failing, or to think I fail in life, because life could always be so much worse. I'm not dying of cancer, I didn't just lose my husband or father, nor did I have my son die. I have chosen not to complain about my life or view it has bad because I am so lucky and blessed. It doens't matter what petty problems I have, I will and can get through them.

So, step one in fixing things I don't like. I was brave tonight and my efforts were rewarded with a phone number from Cute Carl's Jr. Boy (I really need to start calling him Jacob) and the ability to deal with things that usually would have mad me sad about my father.

Aunt Shelley to Uncle Scott: "I would divorce you for Mike Rowe."

Uncle Scott: "I would divorce me for Mike Rowe."


Or, as we're all standing in the kitchen.

Terry: "Dana, your obssession with Paul McCartney is weird."

Dad: "That's probably why you like Jacob. He has the same haircut."

Terry: "You do realize how old Paul is, right?"

Me: "It's Paul McCartney."

Terry: "He's old."

Me: "Doesn't matte. He's Paul McCartney."

Uncle Scott: "I agree. It doesn't matter how old he is. It's Paul McCartney. Everyone is in love with Paul McCartney. Hell, I'm even in love with him."


My family has issues. LOL

So, there was hair in my burger…. Let me explain.

I sat down originally to write an entry about my family and everything that has unfortunately and fortunately come from my Uncle Tim’s death. BUT!

I have decided talking about the cute boy is so much more interesting at the moment. LOL.
( Read more... )

My life hasn't been the greatest these past few months. Looking back, in the past three months alone I've had to deal with my dad not talking to me because I remind him too much of my mother, school being too much and almost flunking out of it, the fact that I might lose my job any week now, my brother distancing himself from the family (even me, which is surprising), my fathers depression, my cousins drug abuse, my own health issues, and the stress of having a seventeen hour day nearly every day because of all the hours I put in at work and school/school work. Then, to top it off, this morning my uncle died of a heartattck. He was one of the only uncles that I liked and now he's gone. My dad is trying to pretend everything is okay, my mom is crying, my Aunt Sonya (Uncle Tim's wife) is in shock and my Uncle Scott (the last surviving Uncle I like) has gone on his drunken binge. No one can argue with me that my life has not been chaotic, overwhelming, depressing and out of control for some time now.

Despite all this however, I'm not angry, nor am I bitter. I could be, and God knows that I actually have reasons to be angry at the world. But I'm not. I actually even tried to be for a while, figuring there must be something wrong with me because people with lesser problems were angry and bitter so shouldn't I be as well?

I took a walk tonight and thought about a lot of things and have decided that the reason why I haven't been bitter or angry is because it's not worth it. The amount of energy that people put in to be so angry at life over things that really don't matter in the end is not worth it. Everyone has it bad. No one goes through life without problems. The people that seem happier though deal with their problems in a healthy way and do not dwell on it. The amount of energy people spend being bitter is ridiculous and I feel sorry for them. They're wasting their life and while they say that it's either not their fault, or it's something they can't help, I have a hard time seeing that. I know people in my life that have had more hardships than I can even count and yet they still get up every morning and see the world as a beautiful place and they're thankful for thier life. Then, people that have only day to day problems, go about angry and depressed and I can't understand it.

Maybe I just feel this way because my uncle is now dead. He was abused as a child, he had to deal with an alcoholic first wife and his kids hating him because of her. He went through alcohal abuse himself and still came out the other side and he was a happy man. He had a bad life, a life that anyone should be angry over and yet he wasn't. So why are people that don't have problems as bad as that so angry with their life?

I'm not wasting my energy on being sad about his death tonight. Yes, it is upsetting, but at the same time, something good is going to come from it. I don't know what yet, but I know something good will happen.

I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in about ten months. I cry more than I used to in this past year but usually, it doesn’t equal the kind of sobs that overtook last night. The kind we’re you throw up afterwards, where you can’t help but actually cry out. I’ve only done this a handful of times in my life. I think the last time I did this was Christmas.

It’s been a difficult week emotionally I guess. I’ve been thinking of my dad a lot. My anger towards my mother has resurfaced but this time I don’t even have the satisfaction of lashing out at her. I’m just quiet.

I guess it has started with the fact that today is my parents anniversary. I knew in the beginning of the week that it was going to be a tough week for my dad. I mean, this time last year, his wife and daughter both moved out of the house and he was left in an empty farmhouse, packing up the few things that he had. Things that he didn’t want to happen were happening and he had no control over it. Now, he’s faced with the fact that it is his anniversary, and the person he loves, doesn’t love him enough to be with him. I know my mother will always love him, but it will never be enough.

I wanted to be there for my dad this week but when I got on the phone with him… the only way I can describe it is to say that it just hurt. I was at school when I called him and I had to fight the urge to just go to the restroom and cry.

I hate how he tries so hard and it’s never enough. I hate how he’s alone and I hate how he loves my mother so much that he can’t even begin to try and move on. I hate to think of him out at that house all by himself. He’s going to be fifty years old and he doesn’t have anyone to spend his time with. Instead, his life has just shattered and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Right before mom decided to divorce him, she had told me that she just wished that he would do more. I remember feeling hopeful at that time because in the next month, I saw such an improvement with him. But, she still decided to leave. Then, when they separated, mom always told me that she didn’t want to go back to him unless he fixed himself. Now, I no longer had hope but I still saw my father trying so hard to make things right. He tried to fix the things that mom hated about him, he tried to become more responsible and he always made a point of showing her that he could do this and that he wanted to try their relationship again. It was like she didn’t care though. The little presents he brought her, the way he was more attentive, the way he finally took responsibility for things that he would have never done before, it all didn’t matter. I can’t tell you why this upsets me so much but it does. I can’t stand seeing him in pain. It hurts too much. I can’t do it. But at the same time, I don’t want to cut myself off from my dad. I miss him so much but every time I see him, I end up crying, or at least trying not to cry.

Today he called mom and asked her out on a date tonight for their anniversary. She accepted. So he came out, all dressed up and everything, and he even brought her a gift. She didn’t even fucking say thank you. It was one of the most awkward moments I’ve experienced in a while.

I don’t know how I feel about any of this. On one hand, I understand it. They spent twenty eight years together and so I can see where they would still want to be together on this day. On the other hand though, I’m confused because mom doesn’t want to go (a point which she made clear to me) so isn’t it like she’s leading him on? Isn’t she just hurting him more? It’s not right. I don’t want him to be in anymore pain. I almost wish that he didn’t love her so much. I wish that he had left her instead of the other way around.

So explain this one to me, because I'm certainly not understanding.

I didn't go to school or work today. A: because I didn't feel good and B: because I didn't feel like it. Mature. I know.

I was all set up to have a good day, deciding to get up early and accomplish homework that I didn't want to do and to read more of the amazing book I'm reading and to dwell in the world of SIMS for a while because I'm obviously an addict.

When I woke up, I had horrible stomach cramps (I'm assuming its just part of me being sick) and ended up spending an hour trying to get rid of them. I thought it would be okay though after they were gone. So, I started playing SIMS, then I read a little (okay, a lot. 100 pages of good quality reading which I have not done in a while) and then I picked up my text book at around two to start my homework. From here on out, it was fail.
( Read more... )

I’m trying to put things into perspective tonight but let’s just put it bluntly. This week has been one of the shittiest weeks I’ve had in a long time for no apparent reason. It’s just one of those weeks that goes wrong, and it’s no ones fault. Call it mercury in retrograde, call it bad karma, or just coincidence. I don’t know. All I know is that the amount of fail that has occurred this week is almost laughable at this point.

Granted, most of it isn’t something all that upsetting. It’s the accumulation of shit that makes me want to just cry at the end of the day. I’m really surprised I haven’t cried, actually. I think that I’ve taken this week pretty well. I’ve laughed at most of it because I can’t believe that one week can consist of so much fail.

Let’s look back, shall we?
( Read more... )

So, last night, I come into the living room to see my mom standing there, arguing with our cat Marble. Marble was rubbing up against moms legs, but every time mom bent down to pet her, she would bite her. But, Marble was purring at the same time. Needless to say, mom was confused and just kept looking at her saying that she didn't know what she wanted. I just sat down on the sofa and told mom "She's hungry."

"There's food in the kitchen."

"There's most likley food in Roo's bowl. Not hers."

Sure enough, mom went in and Marble had no food in her bowl. When she came back into the living room, she asked me how I knew what she wanted. I just shrugged and said that that was her "hungry meow."

Mom smiled and told me that I had great motherly instinct and I would probably have six children.

......
..
...

Why does my mother hate me?

The school issue has just been one huge mass of blah! You're for warned, this is long.

( Read more... )

We are coming up on what I consider the “bad month”. I’m not breaking down in tears, nor am I go into fits of rage, but I feel… I feel numb basically. I want to cry because I know it would help, but I can’t, and the other part of me wishes to just scream. Only problem is, I really don’t even have the energy for that.

On August 6th of last year, my parents called me downstairs and my mom smiled at me as they told me they were going to get a separation. Twenty minutes later, my things were packed and I was walking down the road. There are things that I remember quite clearly from that day and the month that followed, and then there are big gaps where I don’t remember a thing. As I’m sitting in my bed though, I’ve come to the realization, that I haven’t actually talked about it in one sitting. Tahni knows the story, mostly because she sat with me for days, but I haven’t written it out which is odd for me since I write everything out. So, that is the task for now. The results will hopefully be a clearer mind and maybe some sort of emotion.

( Read more... )

I’ve been avoiding this journal entry for a while now because it hurts to talk about it. I’m already feeling kind of down tonight though so I figure I might as well get this out of the way and therefore, I won’t ruin a night when I feel good about things.

Dad and I aren’t talking at the moment. It’s been a little over three weeks since we’ve spoken. It’s my fault that we’re not speaking right now, I know this, but I can’t find it in me to pick up the phone and call him. I have nothing to apologize for so I don’t really feel as if I should be the one to go and make everything better.
( Read more... )

Alright, so here is what's going on with my dad... or what I know of it at least. People in my family sometimes choose not to tell me certain things. I think I'm still viewed as the baby of the family instead of being almost twenty years old (okay, so I have seven months to go, but still...)

Apparently, Dad has been waking up in the middle of the night, not being able to breath. It's like his heart just stops on him. This used to happen to him when I was younger (we're talking eight of nine) but it was because he used to be a carpet cleaner and the doctors had told us then that it was the chemicals he used during the job. Hence the reason why he gave up the job. But, it's been happening to him a lot latley so he called up my mom and asked if she could maybe go with him to the doctors. Since mom is in the medical proffesion, she'd be able to explain things better to him and also ask the right questions.

They took an x-ray of my dad's chest and at some point in time, the lower part of his left lung has collapsed. The doctors arent' really sure if it happened years and years ago when he had pnemonia, or if it's a recent development. Also, it seems that there is a build up of tissue around his lungs that they may have to go in an surgically remove. They aren't sure yet.

They sent a device out to his house about a week ago and he slept with that on. This was supposed to monitor his sleep behaviors and give the doctors a better idea of what is going on with him. The test results for that have not come back yet but they have scheduled a night for him to go into the sleep center where he can be under observation.

There are a couple options that my dad can take, depending on the test results afterwards. He can either have surgeory, sleep with a breathing apparatus for the rest of his life, or just ignore things completely. Knowing my father, I'm afraid he's going to ignore things completely.

Now, I've gotten used to what is going on with him right now but the only problem is, I'm afriad that they're not telling me everything that is going on. Dad and mom have been talking to each other a lot about this whole deal and I overheard mom say that to him that if something is seriously wrong with him, she'll go back and be with him. I know this was probably just said to ease my dad's fears (he's terrified of doctors and disease) but after finding out several different things over the past months that they didn't bother to tell me (things that I really should have had a right to know seeing how they deal with my life directly) I'm afraid that they are once agian not telling me something. I'm really hoping that this is paranoia on my part.

So that's what's going on medically with my father.

Then, last night I found out that a woman who is very dear to me has breast cancer. You know what the weird part is though? I'm actually okay with this. Her husband died about a year ago and she's been distraught without him. Now, this cancer has just suddenly popped up and it is in very advanced stages already. They are going to have to remove both her breasts. I can't help to think that this is maybe God's way of bringing her and her husband back together again. Don't get me wrong, I'll be heartbroken when she's gone, and her actual family I'm afraid is going to fall apart. But at the same time, I think that after forty years of marriage to a man that you adored completely, you would just rather be whereever he is instead.

I'll keep you all updated on what is happening.

I am usually not one to ask this of people but I need to do it. Pray for my family please. I don't care if you beleive in God or Buddha or some other form of a higher power. Please just pray for my father. There is a possibility that he is very sick. I'll post more later when I actually know what's going on. We're waiting on the doctors results right now.

And before anyone panics, he isn't in the hospital. He is at home currently (an idea that I'm not too fond of since I beleive he should be hospitalized) and we're all taking the precautions needed to keep him healthy. I'm afraid though, time has finally caught up to my dad.

So please, just pray. Any little help we can receive would be appreciated.

Love,
Dana

Today was a good day. Tiring, but good.

Dad woke me up early and took me out to go get Across the Universe on DVD. SQUEEE! Yes, that’s right. I now own it as well. And if any of you know me well, you realize how much I’m bouncing up and down about this. LOL. Also, he took me back to my old high school so I could get a little homework help from my favorite English teacher, Mr. Lawless. You have no idea how good it was to see him again. I walked into his class before the bell even rang and he didn’t realize I was there until a few minutes went by. Of course, the moment he realized it, he stopped everything and gave me a big hug. He is seriously the thing I miss most about high school.

We sat and talked for about an hour, him helping me with some of my literature analysis exercise that I was having trouble with, and me making fun of him as much as I could. Which, if you know Lawless, is hard to do successfully since he always seems to have a come back for everything. :)

Then, my dad picked me up later and he ended up giving me these beautiful pair of earrings. I swear to you that my father has the taste of a gay man. His taste in jewelry for me is exquisite. They’re sterling silver teardrop earrings and the gems on the end of them are this cobalt blue. He said that he went out and got them for me so when we go see Bill Cosby at the Hault Center this weekend, I’ll have something to wear.

Him and I are starting to rebuild our relationship as of late. I think we’re finally out of the woods on both of us being our stubborn selves. It’s nice to spend time with him. I like living apart from him because this way him and I don’t fight as much about my life and the decisions I make. Since I am out of his house, he views me as an adult who can make her own decisions and mistakes, which is so much nicer.

So overall, today was a great day. I saw people that I love dearly and I also got presents! How cool is that? LOL. I really do need to try and make it out to the high school more. I’d almost forgotten how much I loved talking to Lawless. I actually can have intelligent conversations with him about books which is hard to do with anyone else because all my friends and I tend to read different things. But, since Lawless is an English teacher, he knows of every book that I have to read for college so I can actually discuss things with him. Everyone says that throughout the course of your schooling, you will have one teacher that inspires you the most. I think for me, Mr. Lawless is that one teacher.

Alright, I still have about 80 pages left in Prospero’s Daughter, a chapter left in psychology and I need to edit my paper before school tomorrow. I need to get cracking if I want to get to bed at a somewhat decent hour tonight. Not that I’ll sleep…

I hope everyone else had a really good day as well and Cassandra! I looked for you today but I couldn’t find you. It made me sad. :(

I've been feeling kind of ick the past couple days. With the combined deaths of a family member, someone else that I admired very much, and the welcomed death of Kurt (I know that sounds horrible but when he's threatening to kill someone you love, it's a welcomed releif), I haven't been sleeping well. But, I kept thinking to myself, these deaths should not be keeping me up at night. Dave, the family member who died, was my uncles brother. I had never met him and therefore, I really don't have an attachment to the guy. My only regret is that I didn't get to meet him. I feel horrible for my family that I do know back East though because they all loved and cared for him very much. He was an alcahalic and ended up driving himself home one night and hit a family of three. He was on cumidin (sp?) and since it thins your blood so much as it is, by the time they realized he had internal bleeding, it was too late. He ended up slipping into a coma and dying. He left behind a wife and seven children and I can't help but have my heart go out to my family back east for having to deal with this. It should not make me stay up at night though.

( Read more... )

Every single day that we have tried to go up and see my brother has failed. Mom was feeling sick all through the week so we decided not to push it and go up on Tuesday. Then, today, the car broke down so we couldn't head out this morning. We thought that we would then just go tomorrow. Only problem is, the car is estimated not to get fixed now until six o'clock tomorrow evening so we wouldn't be able to head up there until Friday. Chris (my brother) works unfortunately all day Saturday and seeing how I have school on Monday, we'd have to drive down on Sunday. Thus, we really would only be driving up there on Friday, to see him for a few hours. So, we're not going.

I'm trying really hard not to get upset over this, mostly because my mom knew how much this trip meant to me and now that we're not going, I think she feels guilty about it. Which she shouldn't because it's not her fault the car died on us. I just really wanted to see my brother. I haven't seen him since May and with everything that has been going on in my life as of late, I could have used a couple of days away from here in order to allow myself to breath and unwind from life before starting school again. No matter what happens in my life, my brother has always been able to make things better. And right now, in the past few months, I've started college (that's always weird), lost half of my friends, had to go through my parents divorce, move out of the town I grew up in to move into town, made a huge mistake with Travis, had to dealt with these ex friends of mine bitching at me behind my back and struggle with a certain "illness" that I may or may not have. There has been so many life changes and I would have loved to just get to spend time with Chris, even if all we did was sit and play video games. Sometimes, just doing that, is the best therapy for me. And I've kind of felt this whole vacation that this is what has kept me holding on. The thought that I would get to go see my brother and I would be able to see in his eyes how proud of me he is. And I would get to vent to him about mom and dad because he would know exactly what I was talking about because he knows them just as much as I do. This was my last chance to see him until July too. That's what makes it all the more horrible for me.

I don't know. I've gone a year without seeing him before, its just that this year was harder than normal and I could have used with just seeing him for a few hours at the least. I could take a ten hour train to go up and see him but I think that I'll just regret that later and I really don't feel like asking my mom to spend a hundred dollars both ways just so I can spend twenty four hours with him. Our disposable income is pretty much non existent now that the car is getting fixed.

I think what this all adds up to is that I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being poor, I'm sick of dealing with all the fucking bullshit that my friends stick on me, and I'm sick of having my emotions be put through the fucking blender. I have a good day, and an equally bad day follows. It's getting to the point now that I don't even want to have the good days anymore because the pain that follows them inevitably are just not worth it. Like I told Tahni the other day, I must have done something in my past because karma is sure being a bitch at the moment and will not let me fucking stand on my own two feet for more than twenty four hours.

So the solution now? Well, I'm going to call my boss and see if I can just end up working on Saturday instead. That way I'll at leas feel productive. Then, I'm going to allow myself a few minutes more of self pity and reflection before receding into myself and going into my writing. I refuse to come out until the pain stops.