forsomeone

I'm wondering how a facebook status update turned into a hug orgy, and then a war over who was the better kisser, Jacob or Tahni, to me dating a minotaur, then finally, to Jacob and I being disgustingly sappy. I'm so thrown by this. LOL.

Anyway. The conversation is epic. I'm warning you. There is extreme sap at the end, almost like a really bad fanfiction, but the conversation is still amazingly epic and on Tahni's request, I am posting it here.

You have been warned.

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This night has been made of awesome. I thought it would be made of fail but it sooo wasn't. Let me start at the beginning.
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The party was actually fun. Of course, I made it fun. It would have been lame otherwise. LOL. Yes, yes, Caitly and I took a cucumber and two tomatoes and made a dirty salad, I made some inappropriate comment about tasting Lisa's boyfriend, I made Lisa strip out of her "wedding dress" and then I stuffed my bra so much that I looked like Pam Anderson. Then, I molested Lisa.

Greatest party EVER!

I'm so excited. I'm going to the theater tonight to see my friend Hollis perform in Antigone. I haven't been to the theater in so long and even though tonight will be a high school play, I can't bring myself to care. That is how badly I've been wanting to go see a play. LOL.

Went to see Twilight the other night. The whole entire night was pretty damn epic. LOL. I think the reason why it was so much fun was because we were all sleep deprived. I loved hearing the random squealing when Edward and Jacob first came on screen. It was so pathetic but so funny all at once.

I met Hollis there. It's a little scary how much we have in common. Anyway, I went to go see her at the theater last night for a few minutes and all day long she had been talking about me. So, when I got there, everyone already knew me. It was weird.

Anyway. There is actually a lot I need to catch you guys up on but no time to do it. I've skimmed through the massive amounts of posts that I have on my friendslist but I didn't get to reply to all of them. It looks like you guys are doing good though and most have you have seen Twilight. Hopefully I'll get to talk to you guys about it later.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Maybe it’s the weather that has gotten me this way but I feel the need to vent and be bitchy. Therefore, you are forewarned.

I want to go and do something. I will be twenty in a month and I haven’t really done much all summer long. Now, some of that is my fault, and the rest was kind of out of my hands. I’m not blaming others for this. Or at least I shouldn’t. But, right now, I want to just get away. I want to go somewhere that isn’t right here in Oregon and I want to spend a few nights without family and just with friends. Only problem is, I’m the only one that can afford to do that. None of my friends work so they really can’t go anywhere. So, vacation for me is going to have to either be with family, or by myself. Now, with family, that wouldn’t be so bad, I suppose, but I still wouldn’t really feel like it’s a vacation, and being by myself in a strange city would just be a let down because I have no one to share it with. So, this seems to me, that I am left with no other choice than to not go on vacation this summer.

I should have gone to the Berkshire Theater Festival. I shouldn’t have let the fact that no one could go with me dictate me not going. I should have bought a ticket anyway and just got on a plane and gone. I didn’t however and my opportunity is up. I can’t think of a single thing that I would want to go do for a few days now either. This whole thing just seems fucked and I guess I’m just bitching because the whole point of me having a job and having money was so I could go and do more things without relying on my parents. I have done less though because the things I can go do are usually done while I’m working and then when I want to go and do something, it costs money that the people I want to share it with don’t have.

Part of me just wants to look at ticket prices today and schedule a trip for myself. I’m just worried about how much of a waste of money that will be seeing as I’ll be alone, and I’m worried that will do nothing but get me down because it’s not something I can share with my friends. That and I have no idea where to go. Either way, I need to go and do something because I don’t want to sit here at work. I don’t mind work, it’s just that I would also like to get away for a girl’s weekend, someplace that’s not Oregon. I guess I just need to get over this and be determined to go someplace. Yeah, I’m going to deal with the comments of “are you sure you want to do this,” or “that’s sad going all by yourself”, but, I don’t want other people’s money situations to dictate my time. I work hard and I need to reward myself. I just hate the fact that I’m always going to have to reward myself by my own. It just doesn’t seem fair to me.

We are coming up on what I consider the “bad month”. I’m not breaking down in tears, nor am I go into fits of rage, but I feel… I feel numb basically. I want to cry because I know it would help, but I can’t, and the other part of me wishes to just scream. Only problem is, I really don’t even have the energy for that.

On August 6th of last year, my parents called me downstairs and my mom smiled at me as they told me they were going to get a separation. Twenty minutes later, my things were packed and I was walking down the road. There are things that I remember quite clearly from that day and the month that followed, and then there are big gaps where I don’t remember a thing. As I’m sitting in my bed though, I’ve come to the realization, that I haven’t actually talked about it in one sitting. Tahni knows the story, mostly because she sat with me for days, but I haven’t written it out which is odd for me since I write everything out. So, that is the task for now. The results will hopefully be a clearer mind and maybe some sort of emotion.

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Sometimes I wonder why I even try to have friends when in the end they only turn on you. I got word from someone who I trust very much that Chelsea and Heather (two girls that I've known forever) got drunk the other night and told her that they were going to ask me to get an apartment with them. The thing is though, they said that they didn't like me. They were only going to ask me so they could use me for rent.

I don't even know how to respond to this.

My first reaction was shock, then complete rage, and now I'm just really... I don't know. I've know them forever. And yes, we've had our problems but I didn't think that they hated me and I never thought that they'd be suck backstabbing bitches such as this. I don't understand what I did to make them hate me like this. I could have probably tried harder with them I guess. I mean, I'm not very good at inviting people places to go out with them, so maybe they thought that I didn't want them as friends anymore because I wasn't calling them up to invite them places. And I know that I can be a bitch at times, and that I'm not always the funniest person to be around, and I know that I've probably said or did something to them in the past to make them upset, but I didn't realize that I had hurt them this much and while part of me thinks I deserve this cruelty, the other part of me is completely heartbroken over it. No, I knew a good three months ago that I would never be close to them again just because our lives had changed so much, but I didn't think that they'd act like this towards me. Especially with it being Christmas.

Am I being selfish? Am I reading too much into this? I don't know what to do. Even if this was my fault, I can't see them again. I can't be friends with them and I can't sit there and be with people that say that about me to other friends of mine.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just upset because its the holidays and I kind of feel down about the holidays as it is. But I thought that maybe I could start a new tradition and extend my family to my friends. But what's the point when I only dissapoint them enough in the end to hate me? I just wish I knew what I did so I didn't do it again because right now I really need a friend in life but it feels like any time I get close to someone, I do something to fuck it up.

LOOK AT THE AMAZINGNESS OF MY PLOT BUNNY THAT TAHNI MADE MEEEEEEE!!!!!




HAIL THE PLOT BUNNY!!!! HAIL!!!!!!

I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have been commenting and writing me e-mails these past couple of months and helping me through all of this crap. You guys are truly wonderful people. I think I may have found something to help me through all of this. I started writing last night and the story is good therapy for me. I think writing about the divorce is going to help me out in the end.

Quick note. I saw Steven and Katie last night and Steven said my boobs have grown!!! Yay! I love that boy to death for it, even if they are fake. He still thought they had grown though so that is something. LOL

I think it’s a law or something that if I’m having a good day, someone, somewhere, has to find a way to bring me down. I slept most of today away since I’m still tired from my trip, and I managed to feel relaxed all day. Now, my end of my vacation was good and bad at the same time. Good because I went on a shopping spree, bad because my grandma kept hinting that my mom and Ross would be good together (not to mention the numerous amounts of e-mails that got send back and forth between Travis and I. Yeah. That was fun). But then I got home and I figured that things would be better. But dad just came in here and told me that he can only take three cats to his new house, meaning I have to choose on which pet I want to get rid of. I don’t want to get rid of any of them. I can’t choose which animal to send away. I mean, what the fuck? They all sleep with me. They were presents to me from my parents at one point in time and I was already having a hard enough time dealing with the fact that they’d have to all live with my dad since mom and I are moving into an apartment, but now I have to get rid of one? That’s not fair. You can’t ask me to get rid of my animals. The thing is, they’re only asking me to get rid of one of mine. Dad’s cat isn’t up for question and neither is moms. It’s my animals that they go to directly and so that leaves me with basically having to get rid of Nermy, the cat that I got and bottle fed when it was little because my other cat got hit by a car. I spent night after night with this cat and now they want me to get rid of it. I just don’t understand why this has to happen along with everything else. Why can’t my parents just get the fucking divorce, move out and leave everything else alone?

Then, now to top it off, one of my dearest freinds in the whole world is mad at me because I sided with her mom on something instead of her. That somehow translates into me just being mad at her because I dont' like her boyfriend. The real reason why she's made at me? Because of decisions I've made in the past few weeks. (Only two of you will get what I'm saying there). What I did goes against her religious beleifs (her boyfriends a minister so I'm sure that doesn't help) and therefor I think she's kind of wanting to distance herself from me. Which I'm not sure how I can deal with this. There's not many friends of mine that I do talk to. Lisa was one of the very few. And now she's pulling out on me? Plus, how am I supposed to talk to her when she gets mad at me and then doesn't want to be friends when I tell her my problems. She can be mad at me. I probably deserve that and so much more. But it was my choice, it was my mistake, and in the end, it doens't affect her life. So why should she be angry at me and not want to be friends based on a mistake that doesn't involve her?

Sometimes, I just wonder why I even bother getting out of bed anymore.

First off, I watched a concert with Ringo on VH1 today and I suddenly have a new found respect for his songs. I don’t know what it was, but seeing him live like that kind of made me like his music more. I’ve always had one of his best hits cd’s but have never really listened to it because I thought it was kind of crap. I don’t know if enough years have gone by that my taste has changed, or if it was this music special, but suddenly my opinion of his work is much different.

Also, I’ve decided to say screw it. I’m going to go see the boys tonight and Monday night. I’m always talking about seizing the moment and just seeing where life takes you, and yet I refuse to do anything remotely edgy. So, when I sat down and really thought about it, I decided I’m just going to go. Nothing is going to happen there. Most likely we’re going to play video games all night. LOL. But the fact is that I’m taking a chance, not knowing what I’m heading into and I’m just going to go for it. With the divorce, I haven’t done much this summer, and its really got me down. Well, I start school in less then a month and I plan to salvage whatever I can of the rest of the summer. And if that means going up and spending the night at two of my friends apartment, then so be it. I know they’ll keep me safe and in truth, I was never really scared of what they’d do, I was more scared of what I would do. But, if I never take a chance, then I’m never going to go anywhere.

So, I’ll be gone until Tuesday evening and then I’ll post to tell you how it went. If I can get internet access up there I might even write then too.

Not much has been going on in my life although it seems like I haven’t gotten a chance to breathe since Monday.
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So as I sit here, holding my stuffed animal turtle that I have named Paulie, I’m reflecting on my day and trying to figure something out.


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So, I've graduated and I finally have time to document all the crazy stuff that's been going on in my life that I want to remember. So the next few days of updating for me will probably just be trips down memory lane for my own benifit as I try to put into words my last few weeks of senior year.

John's penis makes a cameo by the way. :)

If you read this, I fear for you, because you are about to get a little insight into my life with my friends and how I’m becoming way too… free so to speak. LOL

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My last 24 hours of a senior were interesting. :) We all went to the school at eight and snuck into the freshman hall and tied all the lockers up with string, and then we wrapped the courtyard in cellafane. :) Why? Because we can. LOL. Although, my stupid vice principal Pinger came in at five a.m and took everything down today before anyone could see it. That was pretty lame but it was still fun to do it. Sorry, this isn't edited. I'm too tired for that.

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So I was at Denny’s tonight with a group of friends that I’ve known forever. We were all sitting around, laughing and talking, when “Imagine” came on and I just stopped. I sat back like an observer and watched in slow motion as my friends laughed and joked and it was bittersweet. It was a scene right out of a movie for me as I saw them smile and push each other around, and there was me, sitting with my coffee, remembering how it seemed like only yesterday that we were all out on the playground chasing leprechauns or filming a slasher movie. And all I can think about is that it’s times like this that life is worth it. These are the moments we fight for. We’re not here to discover the divine secret, or for some master plan, we’re here for these little moments where we’re surrounded by the people that we love, and for a few brief seconds, there’s peace.