forsomeone

So, I've graduated and I finally have time to document all the crazy stuff that's been going on in my life that I want to remember. So the next few days of updating for me will probably just be trips down memory lane for my own benifit as I try to put into words my last few weeks of senior year.

John's penis makes a cameo by the way. :)

If you read this, I fear for you, because you are about to get a little insight into my life with my friends and how I’m becoming way too… free so to speak. LOL

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My last 24 hours of a senior were interesting. :) We all went to the school at eight and snuck into the freshman hall and tied all the lockers up with string, and then we wrapped the courtyard in cellafane. :) Why? Because we can. LOL. Although, my stupid vice principal Pinger came in at five a.m and took everything down today before anyone could see it. That was pretty lame but it was still fun to do it. Sorry, this isn't edited. I'm too tired for that.

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I know I shouldn’t be upset about this and really, I’m angry at myself for even crying, but I know I have a right. I don’t have a lot of family that really cares for me. My dad’s side of the family are total screw ups and my moms side I don’t really know. My only family is my mom, dad and my brother. So, having them at my graduation is kind of important to me. Chris called tonight though and it looks like he can’t come and I can’t help but cry. Everyone else is going to have these huge cheering sections because all my friends have really tight knit families, and all I’m going to have is my mom and dad. My grandparents from California are going to be there but lets face it, we’re not close. I mean, Grandma didn’t even acknowledge the fact that I turned eighteen this year because she was mad at me for voicing my opinion on something. Then, my grandparents that live only an hour away from me, aren’t coming because they don’t want to. Not that it matters, they’ve never really been grandparents to me anyway. I mean, grandparents are people that are supposed to love you and I can’t say that they qualify as that.

I love my parents dearly but… my brother is my everything. I don’t know what I would do without him in my life. I don’t even talk to him that much and he still means more to me than anything in this world. And the fact that he can’t come is ripping me apart. I love him. I just want him to be there and hug me when it’s all said and done and for once in my life I just want to hear him say that he’s proud of me. I have this picture of him and I at his graduation seven years ago where he’s standing behind me and I’m wearing his hat with this big goofy smile on my face and as stupid and as silly as it sounds, I just kind of wanted to recreate that photo. And it’s not his fault that he can’t come. If he could, he would. But he just got this job over at the news station in Seattle and they’re not letting him take the time off. I shouldn’t let myself get upset over this either because I knew that this was a possibility. But last week I just got so excited and I think I got my hopes up that my brother might actually be coming home for me. And now I can’t stop crying and I feel like a fucking kid again.

I just don’t understand why some people get blessed with huge and amazing families and others get stuck with screw-ups? I mean, is this karma or is it just fate? I’m going to try and not let this get to me on graduation but I can’t help but not even look forward to this anymore. I was excited to graduate because of my brother. I’m constantly trying to prove myself to him, show him that I’m not that little kid anymore, and I thought that maybe on graduation day, that would fall into place and he’d be so proud of me. Guess not though, huh?

So, since graduation is soon, I'm starting to get some money for it from relatives. Here I am, figuring I'd get twenty dollars here, twenty dollars there for people that I really don't know but are doing this because they liked to pinch my cheeks and call me cute when I was little. My Grandma and Grandpa will be the only ones to give me any real money since they're loaded and do this for every grandchild. Today though, when I got home, I found a card sitting on my kitchen talbe adressed to me, from an Uncle who I've seen maybe a total of five times in my life. Here I am thinking, as I open the card, how nice of him to think of me like that. So I open the card and dutifully read a nice little bible passage he sent me before looking at the check. When I do, my eyes nearly pop out of my head.

He sent me seven hundred dollars!!!!

Seven hundred! where does the man get that much money to give to people????? I mean, it took me four months at my pizza diner to save up that much money. This is insane! On the other hand though, this gives me enough to put down a down payment for my apartment, or for me to buy a little run around car. *SQUEE* I was so worried about my finacial situation, thinking I'd only make about three hundred dollars during graduation, but now... *sigh* That man is a gift from God at the moment. I needed this money for a few things before September hit and now I have it. I swear to myself not to touch it. From him and from my savings alone, I now have 1,500 dollars. SCORE!!!!

Life is looking up. I guess good things do come to those who wait. :)

So I was at Denny’s tonight with a group of friends that I’ve known forever. We were all sitting around, laughing and talking, when “Imagine” came on and I just stopped. I sat back like an observer and watched in slow motion as my friends laughed and joked and it was bittersweet. It was a scene right out of a movie for me as I saw them smile and push each other around, and there was me, sitting with my coffee, remembering how it seemed like only yesterday that we were all out on the playground chasing leprechauns or filming a slasher movie. And all I can think about is that it’s times like this that life is worth it. These are the moments we fight for. We’re not here to discover the divine secret, or for some master plan, we’re here for these little moments where we’re surrounded by the people that we love, and for a few brief seconds, there’s peace.