forsomeone

So, I don't get it. I have met a guy that is willing and able to give me practically everything I want. He's smart, funny, treats me like a princess, completely in love with me already, talks and encourages me about my writing, loves and actually understands music... and yet, when I kiss him, I feel nothing. Why don't I feel anything? He's a perfect guy. He has all the qualities I was looking for in a guy, he wants to give me everything that Jacob didn't, and yet, I feel nothing. From the first kiss on I haven't felt the same about him. I was so excited when we first met, so excited when we talked all night, and so excited when he made a special trip to come and see me and take me out on a date. Then we kissed, and I knew that he wasn't going to be the one. Not right now. Maybe not ever. Why though? Why can't I fall for everything I want?

Jacob and I broke up a little over a month ago.

Today, I started the beginnings of a new relationship.

Hence the title of my post “Well, that didn’t take long”.

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I don't want to do this.

Tomorrow Jacob and I are going to have it out. One way or another, things are all going to be laid on the table and I don't want to deal with it. I want to say that things aren't going to end badly. Not at all really. But, I don't know if that's just me being naive and hopeful. All I know is that he texted me, told me that he was going to talk to me tomorrow, and I had to refrain from telling him that I didn't really want to talk. I don't want to do this. I'm afraid of what's going to be said. I don't think he's going to say anything mean, or cruel. I'm just afraid he's not going to have much to say. That's what scares me. I wish I could explain it. I'm also afraid for me. I'm afraid I will either go to soft or too hard on him. I have a tendency of having difficulty with being in the middle ground when it's a situation like this and so I'm afraid of which way I'll lean and how far I'll lean.

Jacob is always going to be in my life. Even if we break up, he's that guy that will always be here, always in the background, always in touch. I'm not going to lose a friend tomorrow. This much I do know.

I don't know. I don't think there will be much sleep tonight. But it'll be fine. The end is in sight. Whether we're together tomorrow night or not, I at least will have closure.

Being sick sucks. You know why it sucks? Because I can't get out of bed without the room swimming, I can't keep any food down what so ever, and I can barely see half the time because I'm sneezing so bad. Oh! And I have a final on Monday but since today is the first day of this cold, I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to concentrate enough to study for said final. AND... I miss P-hills graduation tomorrow night.

Yay.

I should sleep, but I keep having these weird dreams about Jacob. The first dream I had was that he came over to my house because he knew I was sick (although, in the dream I looked perfectly fine, damn good actually) and he gave me a stuffed animal bear that looked like it was out of one of those claw machines. Only, the bear had the ears of a bunny and this really disturbed me for some reason.

Then, the next one, was me and about twelve other people trapped in a twenty story mall and there were these hell hounds after us. Anyway, we got trapped down on the bottom floor, and I was standing on top of a jewlery display case, watching others die, when my walkie talkie went off (why I have a walkie talkie, I don't know). It was Jacob. He told me he loved me then drove through the upper windows in the mall and came down and ran over the hell hound that was about to kill me with his four whealer. There were blood and guts galore.

Yeah... You see why I don't really want to sleep? It's not actually sleeping when I'm having weird dreams. I wake up feeling less rested than I was before. And where the hell is any of this coming from? I mean, I understand why Jacob would be at the forefront of my dreams, but the hell hounds and the stuffed animals that are a hybred of two types of animals? That's just odd.

So I had posted earlier this morning about how today there was a note of hope in the air. Something about today just seemed so right. And honeslty, it has been a great day. I got my essay finished with time to spare, I felt good today, and I indulged in me and took a bunch of picture of me in my new clothes. LOL. Then, mom got home. When we were trying to figure out what to have for dinner I suggested that we go get some take out from the Hawiian place down the road. So we hoped in the car, me in my new clothes bragging about how cute I looked, and headed down the road. Everything was fine. I was feeling good, I went in and got a few looks from some guys, ordered my food, got my food, and got out.

As we pulled out of the parking lot though, I saw Jacob walking down the street.

My response was "That Bastard!" Why? I don't know. It just was.

Mom turned the car around and we went to see him for a few minutes. It was awkward as all hell between us but the only thing i kept thinking was I have never seen him so defeated. Not even after he lost his job, one of the only things he took pride in, did he look this upset.

I wish I could be there for him and it kills me that I can't help him. But this isnt' about me. I can't force him to accept comfort or support. He'll come to me if it's needed I suppose.

I'm now just really worried about him. I have never seen him look so lost.

So today, I had resolve face about the Jacob situation. Yes, it sucks that I can't see him. Yes, I am still extremely pissed at him and am actually getting a little angrier with each passing day, and yes, I have a tendency to call him every name under the book. But, I'm staying silent. Why? Because I remember the last two weeks of high school (which he is going through right now) and I remember how I didn't want to see or doing anything outside of the group of friends that I had at my school. On top of that, everything just seems to be spiraling out of control during this time and you tend to have that "I have no idea what I am going to do next!" though racing through your brain. Jacob is probably feeling all this, coupled with the fact that I don't think he's going to be able to afford college like he wants, and that he also has finals he is taking down at the community college. So, graduation, lack of money for his University that he wants to get into more than anything, and other finals... yeah, the boy is stressed. I'm pissed. But I logically understand what he is going through.

So, today, I said to myself to just give it time. It'll be fine.

Then my friend Caitlyn sent this in the mail.

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I'm assuming I no longer have a boyfriend. I say assuming because we have no actually exchanged the words "we're breaking up", in fact, no words have been exchanged. In this case, the actions are speaking pretty loudly.

I don't know how I feel about this. I really don't know what to think about it either. I've cried some, but only with the prompt of music to get me there. I keep holding myself back when I think of the situation. It's almost as if I don't want the situation alone to be enough to make me cry. Maybe because it's so confusing. I'm not really sure. I'm finding I'm actually not really sure of much. I haven't talked much in the past 48 hours. Mom is becoming worried. She keeps calling and checking up on me, coming into my room for various reasons to see how I am. I can't bring myself to pretend that I'm happy though. I'm not sad either, however. I know I feel something that isn't happy, but it's not sadness. I know what sadness feels like and this really isn't it. And I know. I know. I should be screaming or crying or being an irrational girl. For once in my life, I don't have to view this situation with any sort of maturity. But I'm not at that point yet. I'm still at that point where I just am blank. I feel jolts of emotion here and there, but they never last long.

Everything in me feels that this isn't over. I think back on our relationship and I can't find a reason for it to end. I even want to attribute all this to lack of passion, lack of love and caring, but I can't even say that without doubt creeping in like waves. Everything in me feels like this isn't over, like it's just a time out. But then logic steps in and says that we're done. We have to be. Logic tells me that this is an opening to end it and he's going to take it.

I texted him yesterday. I asked him "are we breaking up?". He never replied.

So I cried last night. I'm on the verge of tears now. I'm trying to figure out some way to take back this feeling of a power that has been lost, but I can't seem to form lots of coherant thoughts latley. It's easier to stare blankly at the computer screen and read something that I don't even take in.

I just keep getting that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one that says I hate him. But I don't want to let go of him either.

Why did it totally slip my mind that I have an exam on Thursday that's 30% of my grade? I haven't started studying and I'm working full time this week. Guess what I'll be doing tonight when I get home from work, and tomorrow night as well. Crap.


Okay, in the grand scheme of things? Not too bad I suppose. I'm used to it. I can do it (yes, yes I am giving myself a pep talk). I just need to keep focused. I'll get home at about seven, I'll go to the gym and then get all showered and fed for the night and be able to start my studying at about eight. I figure if I studying until midnight, I can then take an hour off to relax a little so I can get my body wound down enough to sleep, and then I'll get up the next morning, go to work, and repeat the same thing. It'll all be over by Thursday and then I'll get to celebrate moms birthday with her and go see Jacob on Friday night for a few minutes after his play. It'll be fine. And the silver lining? This week is going to go by so fast for me meaning I'll be that much closer to May ending and June beginning.

I saw Jacob tonight for the first time since Thursday of last week. I went to his high school production of 'Gypsy' (which was amazing!) and after the show, got to be with him for about fifteen minuutes. These fifteen minutes are now going to hold me over until next Saturday where I will probably see him for about fifteen minutes then... and then we don't really know when we'll see each other. My personal opinion? I won't get to see him again until after he graduates in June. Or at least I won't be able to see him for more than fifteen minutes once a week (this is if I'm lucky) until June. June 10th at that.

Only 25 more days and I'll be able to start spending time with my boyfriend again. It'll be nice to actually sit next to him and know I'm not going to have to say goodbye a few minutes later. Novel concept that one.

I feel bad for not updating as much as I have needed to as of late. I know you guys hang on my every word and love hearing every sordid detail of my life so I almost feel as if I’m neglecting you. :P Kidding. Anyway, a lot has happened. To quote Ferris Bueller (yes, I’m totally doing it) “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.” This quote both has something to do with my journal entry and in part, is just there because it popped in my head and sounded like a fun little introduction to me.

To make this easier on all of us, I’m thinking that categories are needed in order to explain what is going on in some sort of clear and logical matter. They are listed in no matter of importance seeing how I don’t want to talk about most of them but I find that talking about it sometimes is the only way I can see things clearly. Plus, this is my life. It will always be my life, and I want it recorded. So, here it goes, get ready for a long post. Eat popcorn if you must.
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I feel… anxious. I can’t really pinpoint as to why I feel this way, I just have this feeling in my gut that can only translate to a nervous anxiety. Maybe it’s excited butterfly’s though. I don’t really know. I tend to go straight to the negative lately so I don’t really know if I’m misreading excited butterfly’s for nervous anxiety.

I know that this has to do with Jacob. That’s about all I know though. The last few weeks haven’t been… good, exactly. In fact, there were moments when all that ran through my head was “what the fuck are you doing with him?” Was he mean to me? No. Did he say something to set off a mass amount of neurosis? Not really. It was the lack of what he was saying that did it really.
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So, there was hair in my burger…. Let me explain.

I sat down originally to write an entry about my family and everything that has unfortunately and fortunately come from my Uncle Tim’s death. BUT!

I have decided talking about the cute boy is so much more interesting at the moment. LOL.
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