I'm really not enjoying this feeling. For the past month, I have not been okay emotionally and while I know I should talk about what the problem is, I just can't. It's a touchy subject matter for me and the fact of the matter is, when a situation or person is really getting to me, I won't talk about it. Not because I'm ignoring it, but because it hurts too much to speak. This current issue though, seems to be tearing at me a little more than others but there is not a reasonable solution to it all. I've even tried to speak my mind about it a few times, testing the waters about the issue so to speak, and both friends and family have shrugged it off. No, I'm not blaming them for shrugging it off. We all do it from time to time, either we don't realize how big of an issue it really is, or are thinking about others things. It's not something I'm blaming anyone for. I'm just stating that if it's that hard to talk about it when they're only half way listening, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to talk about it when I have their attention.

All I know is that I'm not okay. I'm ending my nights with bouncing back and forth from crying to all out anger and I'm waking up in the same way. During the day, I'm fine for the most part, depending on the day, really, but this sickening feeling that I have the rest of the time isn't really going away, no matter how rational I try to act, or how mature/understanding I try to be. So does that mean I should act irrational? Maybe then everyone would be forced to confront it, although I highly doubt that. I went semi irrational the other day and it was never even spoken of.

I wish I could move away for a while. People need to sort things out without me here and my interfearance, my very presence, isn't helping the process what so ever. But there are people I can't leave, one of which needs me here, whether they will admit it or not, and there is also my entire life that needs to be taken into account. I can't let one situation, no matter how huge, take over my life. Why does it feel like it is though? I hate having to bite my tongue to keep from screaming and latley I've noticed that I just go quiter and quiter, which is not healthy in my opinion. There isn't anything I can possible say though. And I know that people will tell me to speak, to talk it out, that I'll feel better after talking, that I'll work out my demons or something like that. And I want to tell them no, that's not how I work, but there is a set of preconcieved notions there that I can't possibly beat so instead I'll have to just deny that and come off looking like a stubborn child that doesn't know what's best. I'm not okay with inacurate viewpoints of me but everyone seems to have them as of late so I guess that's just something I should get used to. The only opinion of myself that I should hold truly dear is my own as it is.

There is one person that I think I might be able to talk to. I'm so far out of contact with them however that I don't think that it would be taken in the right context. I'm afraid of what might arise from the contact as well. A long time ago, when talking about a subject similiar to my problem though, they offered me the best support I had ever recieved and all it took was one sentence. I wish I could have that again. Part of me wishes the Universe would just throw that one in my face. It's been close to a year since there's been any visual contact and it's been longer than that since there's been a conversation that counted.

I'm just really sick of crying though. Or crying without the tears I should say. I'm not doing the actual crying too much. Someone would catch me if I did. Plus, it's not really helpful when I still have a life that is spent inside the public eye for most of the day.

Sorry this is my first update in what seems like forever. I just had to spleed tonight.

First off.... I'M GOING TO BE 21 ON MONDAY!!!

Secondly.... I'M GOING TO GO SEE DAVID COOK ON SATURDAY!!!

As for what I've been up to latley? I started a story about a month ago. It's one that I've been wanting to write since I was a little kid, but never really did. Well, last month, I got it into my head that this was the time to do it, and that I would finish it before school started. Then, about a week ago, I decided that I needed to finish it before I turned 21 so I could say I got my first novel written while I was still twenty. Three days ago I realized that I turn 21 very very very soon. LOL. So, it has been a mad dash lately because while I, at the time, had seven days, I also had a wedding to attend, work, and a concert before this. I really only had five days to be able to finish this story. I have knocked so much of it out of the way though, that I think that if I fix a strong pot of coffee tonight, it'll be done with. :) You have no idea how proud of myself I am for this. Now to just hope it's good.

Other than that, there isn't too much to share. I quit my job, got rehired. I may not go to school in the fall due to money issues and therefore be picking up a second job myself and I am avoiding a certain boy like the plague at times simply becuase I don't know what to do around him.

I hope everyone else is well.
Lots of love,
Dana

I'm really angry right now. I'm not really sure why either. I've felt this anger before but... I don't know. I haven't felt it in a long while. Probably a good nine months or so. For some reason though, little things about people are irritating me. Off hand comments they give make me want to scream, certain thoughts about them make me want to just ignore them completely, and so on. I'm not sure exactly where this is stemming from. I'm thinking part of it has to do with the fact that I have not really slept since back in the beginning of June. I know me though and I know there is something more though. Something is pissing me off and I'm not sure how to quell it. My thoughts are to get into an argument with the people I'm angry at, or at least tell them why I'm angry with them, but... it doesn't feel right. Thinking of doing that just feels wrong on so many levels. Sitting and being quiet isn't so much fun either though. I remember feeling this exact same feeling almost a year ago and I have to say, it hasn't gotten any easier to endure.

It's been a frantic and dramatic experience to try and get a plane ticket to California at the last minute. Mom and I have fought over it, both of us have spent hours trying to figure out how to do it, and it's now been close to six days of just trying to find a last minute flight for me to head down to California to visit her (she's there on vacation) and my grandparents. This morning... or well, evening I guess, we finally got it all figured out. Now I'm terrified.

I forget each and every time how I seem to be anxiety ridden when I leave for extended periods. First off, I am actually terrified of planes. I hate them. I hate turbulence and each time I board one, all I can think of is "This is the last time I will get to see my family". For some reason, I constantly think that I'll never get to see my mom and dad again and usually that leads me into a full blown panic during the hours leading up to my flight, and usually a lot of trying to hold back tears during my flight. But, logically I know that planes are the safest way to travel, so I can usually get over that fear.

Then, my other one... its kind of juvenile I suppose, and really sort of dumb. But my cat is close to thirteen years old now and she doesn't like it when either mom or I are gone for extended times. So when the two of us are gone at the same time for more than a few days, I tend to get panicy. All I can think is she's going to die while we're away and it'll be because she thinks we're never coming back. I know it's stupid but I love this cat more than any of my other pets. I'm attached to her like none other and so to leave her scares me because I'm afraid that she'll begin to believe that we're not coming back and she won't hold on anymore. I hate crying over it because it makes me feel so young and stupid but... I just can't help it.

God, I hate the hours leading up to flying out of here. They're usually spent in tears. I'll be fine once I land, and most likely I'll be calling Megan every few days to make sure my cat is okay... because I'm cool like that. LOL.

I don't know if I'll have internet connection down there. I think I will, but we'll have to see. Hope all is well for everyone else. Love you all!

I'm wondering if the Universe would like to tell me anything else today because so far this is what has happened?

My friend Caitlyn's sister was in a bad accident and we found out today that she has short term memory loss and that the only way she was found, was by a passing by driver. She was on a bikeride in Alaska when something happens. She can't remember what happened either.

Then, I found out that a very good friend of the family, a woman who is practically my aunt, might have colon cancer. She is going to the doctors on Monday.

Finally, to top it all off, Jacob stood me up.

It always comes in three's. I'm just happy for my health at the moment, but I'm wondering what else can go wrong.

I'm not exactly sure why it's a good day as of yet, especially since I've only been up for an hour and my paper is due in about three hours (yeah, I like the feeling of a stressed out time cruchn, I suppose) but I know that today is going to be a good day. There's something hopeful about it today. I'm thinking that this hope might just come from the fact that I've worked so hard this weekend to get my school work done for the week so I can play Sims tomorrow and as of tonight, I will be done. But, maybe something epic will come from it. Maybe I'll win a million dollars!! Yeah.... I think that might be stretching it. But all of you who just laughed at that are going to be really sad when I give you no money when I win the lottery today. :P

The bright side of life at the moment, and yes, I'm not dumb enough to think there isn't any. LOL. The major bright side that I am feeling right now however is this.

Only two essays and two finals to go and I am out for the summer!!!! I will be done by nine a.m on Wedneday the 10th. So much excitement.

AND

SIMS 3 IS COMING OUT TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a geek. I know. :) That's why you all love me.

I would also like to say, that not only are my new bra's amazingly cute, but they are super comfortable too. Just thought I'd share.

I don't know exactly what I want to write or say at the moment.

I'm angry. I know that much. And I'm trying my hardest not to act on my anger simply because the people that hurt me, I still love (let's face it, I wouldn't be angry if I didn't love them) and I do not want to hurt them. I have a tendency when I'm angry to say the worst thing possible. That worst thing usually plays off the insecurities of the person I'm angry at. It's a horrible habbit which I posess and I do not want to release it on these people. Only problem is, I can't even think about them without feeling that anger in the pit of my stomach.

I feel guilty for this anger as well. I shouldn't. I'm justified in why I am angry, but I still feel guilty. Again, that's probably because I love the people I'm angry at and I know that I'm hurting them with this anger, simply because of my silence.

I just wish I knew how to get rid of it without being cruel. I would say the best thing would be to talk it out, but while I'm this angry, I'm just going to be mean, and that's only going to make the situation worse. So, giving myself time to cool off seems the logical move. However, it's been a week and a big part of me is saying that I need to just get over it. Hurt is not easy to get over though. And while I can recognize the actions of one of these people as being done out of love and a want to help, and the other, out of sheer life altering desperation and confusion, I cann't help but feel extremely hurt by both of them. I really only trust three people in my life. Trust them enough to tell them everything, and in the same night, two of those people did what I felt like was a betrayal of that trust... or not so much trust, I suppose. Trust was involved but I think that... it just felt like the disregaurded me all together in favor of lashing out in their own anger. And humans are selfish. Me being angry instead of forgiving is a selfish act as well. I recognize this. It just does not change that I am hurt, just as I'm sure it doesn't change for them that they were hurt.

I hate this. I wish it never happened. And part of me says "Dana, you are blowing all of this out of porportion" but the other part of me is screaming simply because I have a tendency to forgive too easily and then have the same action repeated back to me once more. Both of these situation that I'm talking about were prior problems that I just shrugged off in the past, and now they have come back to haunt me full force.

I just hate that I still care about these people enough to feel guilty. And I hate that I don't wnat to hurt them, so I'm refusing to scream.

I feel bad for not updating as much as I have needed to as of late. I know you guys hang on my every word and love hearing every sordid detail of my life so I almost feel as if I’m neglecting you. :P Kidding. Anyway, a lot has happened. To quote Ferris Bueller (yes, I’m totally doing it) “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.” This quote both has something to do with my journal entry and in part, is just there because it popped in my head and sounded like a fun little introduction to me.

To make this easier on all of us, I’m thinking that categories are needed in order to explain what is going on in some sort of clear and logical matter. They are listed in no matter of importance seeing how I don’t want to talk about most of them but I find that talking about it sometimes is the only way I can see things clearly. Plus, this is my life. It will always be my life, and I want it recorded. So, here it goes, get ready for a long post. Eat popcorn if you must.
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I realize I have been extremely absent from livejournal as of late. It just seems like I have no time anymore, which is odd because really, I have more time than I have in a long time (except for the past week. The past week has been hectic.) Other than that though, I feel as if my time really is just disapearing and I can't really explain where it is going. Yes, I have homework, yes I have a social life and work to still attend to, but I should be able to still update. Or so it feels. Grrr... Anyway, I think I'm going to have to make a pact with myself to just update more often. Lucky for all of you that means! LOL. You get to hear more about my life and the weirdness that I create. Yay! And on further note, why is it that I always seem to sit next to the loud obnoxious girls in a class of two hundred?

And just for my benefit, the things I need to do today before I start my weekend of hell at work.

To Do List

Go to bank and get cash back
Exercise
Do laundry
Clean Bedroom/Bathroom
Post 1
Post 2
Prepare for speach
Read Winters Tale
Chapter 10 of Mass Communication
E-mail GTF about missing assignment

Overall, it's not a lot to do, it just seems to be time consuming. I'm hoping that with the help of some coffee, i'll be able to get most of this done before it gets late so I can enjoy my evening. It's Mother's Day this weekened and therefore, I am going to exist at work and work only. I'm thinking I'll be at work Friday night until midnight once more (much like last Friday) and then probably much of the same on Saturday. and while they tell me I don't have to work on Sunday, I'm thinking I might volunteer to do so for a few hours in the morning. I need the hours and I need the money and since mom and I really never do anything until evening anyway, this seems like the solution for me. I don't know. We'll see.

I wrote something pretty nasty tonight directed towards some people. And while I still am upset with those people, and still want to tell them to go fuck themselves, I am taking it off of here. Why? Because I don't want to send that out into the world. It isn't needed. The people I am irritated at know who they are, in some form or another, and that's all that needs to be said and done. And if they don't know? Well, then they are too wrapped up in their own worlds to even care anyway so its probably a moot point.

Sometimes I wish I was already past the first few months of the relationship and I could just be in the state where things are still new and exciting, but they aren't awkward. I hate when they're awkward, when I don't know what to do. I hate the whole entire feeling of uncertainty.

In the past four months I've had two people in my life die. My Uncle Tim died right around Thanksgiving and quite honestly, I just am starting to face that. At first, it really just didn't seem like he was gone. Going to his house and seeing his wife and children grieve is very present in my life, but for some odd reason, it really didn't hit me until about a week ago that he was actually gone. And it hit me hard.

The day after I accepted the fact that an Uncle that I barely knew, but loved and admired dearly had passed from this life, my aunt in Florida died. We got the phone call while riding in the car and both my mom and I broke down on the road. She was practically a grandmother to my mother, and while I had only met her a few times in my life, she was one of those people that left a lasting impression on you after only one meeting. I've always loved her and mom and I have been saying for over a year now that we need to go and visit her. Unfortunately, that will never happen. My only consolation in this situation is the fact that she wasn't living much of a life as it was. She had been in a home for the past few years because of Alzheimer's. We lost her a long time ago. Now that she's gone though, we'll be getting the phonecall any month now that her husband has past as well. The only reason he was hanging on was because of her. Part of me already feels as if I have lost him.

I don't deal with death well. I hate that overwhelming sadness that comes with it and on top of it, there are few people in my actual family that I consider family and in four months, two of them have been taken away. The ripple effect that it sends through my family is hard as well. My mom cries constantly and its hard to console her about it. The same happened with my father when his brother died.

The night Auntie Issabell died I was also afraid that Jacob had been taken from me as well. He was supposed to meet Tahni, Megan and I at the theater, but he never showed up. No one at the theater knew where he was, and no one at work knew where he was either. I was panicing and at that moment in time, all I could think about was that someone else I cared about had been taken from my life. Tahni wanted me to go to his house that night and find him but I refrained. I know Jacob and that would have made the situation worse. If he had been missing in action for a few days, then yes, of course I would have shown up at his house, but logically I already knew what was going on and I was not about to make things worse for him (which later, he thanked me for not doing) by showing up at his door. I at least feel good about the fact that I know Jacob well enough to not to irrational things when I'm feeling out of control. I just hated that feeling of loss. I couldn't lose another family member that quickly. My family (which include some of my friends for the people that don't know) is dwindling daily. There are only a few people left that I consider family at this moment and I'm going to fight for them to stay with me. The others? I'm letting go to be honest. They're not worth it.

Which actually brings me to a random tangeant. LOL. Why do people that are unhappy with their life decide to take their anger out on me? When the fuck did I become a fucking punching bag? If you have an issue with me, tell me. Don't fucking just sit and be bitter just because I'm happy or I've succeeded with some aspect in my life.

End rant.

I've just been thinking a lot latley. A lot about things that are important to me. Idea's and morals that I once had are being reavaluated and I guess once more, I'm going to know who the true people that love me are because they will be the ones that stand beside me in the very end of it all.

It's going to be an interesting few months, I can easily say that. But I'm happy. When it boils down to it, I'm honestly very happy. I wish I could help others around me be happy as well, because it seems like everyone, and I mean everyone, I know, is sad or depressed. But, I know I can't. A: Because some won't let me and B: because some situations just can't be helped.

I'm just going to pray that things work out. That people are forgiven. That others forgive themselves. And that in the end, my family will grow.

Everything is happening in my life really fast and really slow simutaneously (too tired to spell correctly apparently). This epic speed thing is causing me not to sleep. I don't feel very tired during the day as of yet, but seeing how tomorrow I am about to go on day number four of little to no sleep, I can't help but wonder when its going to catch up with me. I need to find a solution to this whole sleeping thing. Starting tomorrow, my exercise is going to start back up again. It's been on the backburner the past couple of days due to my social life. Time to bring in back to the forfront. Maybe that will help.

I hate feeling weak and defensless. Jacob is falling apart and I don't know how to help. On top of that, I saw someone from my past tonight. Someone that I have every right to hate and to hit. But I didn't. I couldn't. All I could do was make small talk and fucking hug the bastard hello and goodbye. I am so shaken by this experience and while I tried to tell Jacob later in the night that it was no big deal, that I was over it, he could see right through me.

My consolation of the night is that I got an awkward conversation that would have to happen eventually with Jacob, out of the way and got to be held by him because of it. I'm pissed at myself though because he's the one that needs comforting and he ended up being the comforter. He was so angry too. He was about ready to get up and go out to Pleasant Hill to find this guy and beat the shit out of him. My boyfriend, the one with the broken collar bone, was going to attack a guy for me. While this makes me feel all protected and the likes, it also scares me because I no longer can see the situation as something deserving that kind of reaction.

Too much happened tonight. Things that I didn't expect to happen for months, quite possibly even a year, happened one week into my relationship. It doesn't seem right.

So it's official. I am in full on hermit mode. I didn't get anything done that I wanted to get done over my Christmas break and that just doesn't sit right with me. So, for at least the next week, I am going to be in hermit mode, only leaving my bedroom for school (which is only two days a week) and work (and seeing as how I've been kind of laid off for the month of January, I'm not expecting to leave for work that often).

So, I started yesterday getting done the things that I want to get done. I would like to write the first draft of the story that J-9 and I are writing together done. I would like to finish Gabriel Caine. I would like to finnish the books Frankenstein, Earthyly Pleasures, Inner Circle, Beloved, and one of my John Lennon books. And I would like to exercise daily. All of this was on my list for December and none of it happened. Time slipped away from me, partly it was my fault, and partly just the chaos of the holidays. But, now I am ready to deal with it all. I just finnished cleaning my room so the area is clear for me to spend my time in. I have new candles which I stole from my former place of employment (yes, I know it was wrong but they smelled so yummy) and I have a coffee pot that is constantly going, along with green tea. I have some music downloading at the moment but I do need more. I just can't think of any that are really good right now. If anyone has a suggestion of some good, semi relaxing/inspiring music that I could use, please tell me.

I'll keep in touch. I'm not ignoring people so much as I am dedicated to just working through the things that I need to get done. Call, text, or e-mail me if you need me and I'll let you know in a couple days how the hermit thing is working out.

I know. I know. I've been amazingly absent from livejournal. I'm about four hundred friends posts behind. I will try and catch up though. Sooner or later. :P I blame the Holidays and video games for my lack of socialness. I'll get better. And hey! I'm becoming unblocked for writing so that's always good.

Hope everyone had a good holiday!

Since it has been requested that we fill the board with our positive energy today, here is mine.

I'm thankful today because I got a phone number and have made great strides into fixing the things I don't like about my life. Compared to others, my life is good. Yes, I have little things that get me down, may be some more than others, but the fact of the matter is that I'm alive and I'm healthy and I have people who I know will always love me. So, there should be no reason to view my life and failing, or to think I fail in life, because life could always be so much worse. I'm not dying of cancer, I didn't just lose my husband or father, nor did I have my son die. I have chosen not to complain about my life or view it has bad because I am so lucky and blessed. It doens't matter what petty problems I have, I will and can get through them.

So, step one in fixing things I don't like. I was brave tonight and my efforts were rewarded with a phone number from Cute Carl's Jr. Boy (I really need to start calling him Jacob) and the ability to deal with things that usually would have mad me sad about my father.

My life hasn't been the greatest these past few months. Looking back, in the past three months alone I've had to deal with my dad not talking to me because I remind him too much of my mother, school being too much and almost flunking out of it, the fact that I might lose my job any week now, my brother distancing himself from the family (even me, which is surprising), my fathers depression, my cousins drug abuse, my own health issues, and the stress of having a seventeen hour day nearly every day because of all the hours I put in at work and school/school work. Then, to top it off, this morning my uncle died of a heartattck. He was one of the only uncles that I liked and now he's gone. My dad is trying to pretend everything is okay, my mom is crying, my Aunt Sonya (Uncle Tim's wife) is in shock and my Uncle Scott (the last surviving Uncle I like) has gone on his drunken binge. No one can argue with me that my life has not been chaotic, overwhelming, depressing and out of control for some time now.

Despite all this however, I'm not angry, nor am I bitter. I could be, and God knows that I actually have reasons to be angry at the world. But I'm not. I actually even tried to be for a while, figuring there must be something wrong with me because people with lesser problems were angry and bitter so shouldn't I be as well?

I took a walk tonight and thought about a lot of things and have decided that the reason why I haven't been bitter or angry is because it's not worth it. The amount of energy that people put in to be so angry at life over things that really don't matter in the end is not worth it. Everyone has it bad. No one goes through life without problems. The people that seem happier though deal with their problems in a healthy way and do not dwell on it. The amount of energy people spend being bitter is ridiculous and I feel sorry for them. They're wasting their life and while they say that it's either not their fault, or it's something they can't help, I have a hard time seeing that. I know people in my life that have had more hardships than I can even count and yet they still get up every morning and see the world as a beautiful place and they're thankful for thier life. Then, people that have only day to day problems, go about angry and depressed and I can't understand it.

Maybe I just feel this way because my uncle is now dead. He was abused as a child, he had to deal with an alcoholic first wife and his kids hating him because of her. He went through alcohal abuse himself and still came out the other side and he was a happy man. He had a bad life, a life that anyone should be angry over and yet he wasn't. So why are people that don't have problems as bad as that so angry with their life?

I'm not wasting my energy on being sad about his death tonight. Yes, it is upsetting, but at the same time, something good is going to come from it. I don't know what yet, but I know something good will happen.

I'm so excited. I'm going to the theater tonight to see my friend Hollis perform in Antigone. I haven't been to the theater in so long and even though tonight will be a high school play, I can't bring myself to care. That is how badly I've been wanting to go see a play. LOL.

Went to see Twilight the other night. The whole entire night was pretty damn epic. LOL. I think the reason why it was so much fun was because we were all sleep deprived. I loved hearing the random squealing when Edward and Jacob first came on screen. It was so pathetic but so funny all at once.

I met Hollis there. It's a little scary how much we have in common. Anyway, I went to go see her at the theater last night for a few minutes and all day long she had been talking about me. So, when I got there, everyone already knew me. It was weird.

Anyway. There is actually a lot I need to catch you guys up on but no time to do it. I've skimmed through the massive amounts of posts that I have on my friendslist but I didn't get to reply to all of them. It looks like you guys are doing good though and most have you have seen Twilight. Hopefully I'll get to talk to you guys about it later.

Have a good weekend everyone!